Why are you hiding?

What are you hiding?

I don’t mean your dark secrets. I mean what parts of you are you hiding?

It’s ok, we all do it, we’ve been trained to do it and maybe it feels like a dark and naughty secret, but it isn’t. These are hidden aspects of yourself that are longing for your love, attention, and expression, but unconscious and sometimes conscious shame prompts us to conceal these undesirable parts of ourselves.

With all this talk of self-love and authenticity, it seems we are doing our best to come out of the closet and be our most authentic selves, so what are we still hiding and why?

I have been asking myself these questions lately, because I know I am hiding. I have spent the majority of my life trying to become my authentic self. It began at 17 and has continued for many decades. Who knew it would take a lifetime? Why is it so difficult?

Yes, after decades of peeling back layers and facing fears, I find myself facing the fear of showing myself again. Why?

As I have previously shared, a part of me died in 2021. I lost the dreams that I was clinging to for survival. They were all I believed I had; Korea, a life partner and a meaningful business, Love Wave. I could not see that I had my precious self and that she was enough.

These losses, I am grieving and thankful for at the same time. It was this series of events that were the catalyst that separated me from my Trauma Bound Identity. Making me able to distinguish myself from my trauma for the first time. This was a powerful experience that birthed Finding Home, within me. I knew I had taken my first steps toward Home. I felt Home, safe at Home within me for the first time. Home had come into my awareness.

Finding Home is the gem I have been seeking my whole life. It was right there within me being carried waiting to be seen at just the right moment. I love it passionately, it is my baby, it is me. My life’s journey has been all about this, Finding Home, so this is what I am called to; the work I am called to experience, express and impart. I have known this for two years now, so why is it coming so slowly? Why am I hiding? Why is it forming in drips and drops?

The answer is as simple as I am afraid and more specifically that fear springs from SHAME. There is a secret fear that was always hidden behind my survival coping mechanisms, people will not like me and I will be abandoned again. Not the me I tried to be, but the real me, the wounded imperfect me. The essence of me. The one who was lost in her trauma and couldn’t see straight, but now has taken off that heavy garment and is being called to stand naked before the world. Will people abandoned that me? Naked and not ashamed, this is how I long to be. To stand in the boldness and power of me. The light and shadow of me. All of it unashamed. I encourage others to shine brightly in their uniqueness, I believe in it for all, even myself, yet it can feel so difficult to live it.

The ironic part is I thought I had lived this, but I was lost in the story of my Trauma Bound Identity, Judy. And as much as I could be authentic, I was, but once the trauma rose to the surface to be acknowledged everything changed. My eyes were opened never to be closed again. I could no longer deny the truth of who I was and what I felt in order to please others and fit into the world.  Just as Finding Home was birthed on the heels of chaos and loss, Jude was birthed when the enormous chaos, loss and terror of my original relinquishment trauma came into my awareness in 2019. A month later, I changed my name from Judy to Jude because Judy never felt right, she was not who I truly was. It was a first bold step in being true to myself on a whole new level.

Four years later, I am still learning who Jude is. After 50+ years of living in hiding within my Trauma Bound Identity it is taking time to differentiate the two. It takes time for the patterns of protection to fall away and to create neural pathways and ways of being that align with who I truly am. It takes time to cultivate a felt sense of safety and to build a rapport of trust with myself after a lifetime of self abandoning. My inner child is learning to trust that I will not abandon her to please others as a way of being safe in the world.

I am facing fear in new realms. Standing up for myself in unchartered territories, speaking up, asking for what I want and setting boundaries in ways I only imagined before. It takes time to build these new energetic structures, so I feel shaky and hide, but I know confidence is coming. 

This year my goal was to emerge slowly, to post consistently and to write again. It feels painstakingly slow, but I have begun to do both. Behind the scenes and within me, Finding Home is taking shape and I am in love with it. I am honored to carry this hidden gem within me and longing to bring it forth into the world.

Parts of me are taking shape and becoming more solid, more comfortable and confident. This is the path of Finding Home; developing a felt sense of safety. The second step for me became clear and it is cultivating a felt sense of belonging. Nourishing these two “knowings” within me is creating a firm foundation that I can operate from and be my most authentic self in the world. It is from here that I am learning to love myself, life and to allow myself to shine. I can share myself with less fear and that feels good.

I don’t want to hide, that feels like crap. I think we all are longing to feel safe enough in this world, to share ourselves fully, to go for our dreams with abandon because that feels like freedom and empowerment.

As I write all of this I am working at Costco part-time. This was an unexpected side step in creating a felt sense of safety for myself. My hearts passion, experience and skillset is all aimed to serve humanity in this time of transformation. But I wanted and needed stability and benefits. For 12 years I worked for myself and had benefits until my divorce. Starting over, creating a new business would mean expensive benefits that I could not afford. I had a choice to make and I chose stability. I knew I needed to develop a felt sense of safety, but that choice has come with a price.

I am no longer doing what I love or what I feel called to. I squeeze it into my schedule when I have time. Recently, I realized because Costco is not aligned with my long term purpose or who I want to project myself to be; I have hidden. Consequently, I have struggled working there. 

My identity was wrapped up in my work as a healer. It made me feel “special”. People needed me and I helped them. This meant that my Trauma Bound Identity was accepted and loved, but not for who she was. She was loved for what she brought to the world. (Of course this is projection, I was loved and appreciated. I know this and am thankful).

As Life was leading me out from old ways of being and this included my work. When I arrived in San Diego, after Love Wave crumbled, I knew I needed to work. My gut was telling me, not massage. I couldn’t understand it because I loved being a massage therapist, but now I can see the wisdom of having time away from my healing work. I had some deep healing and soul searching to do. 

What do I really want to do?

Do you ever ask yourself this question? Warning: if you do, it might change your life!

I have asked myself this many times. I knew I didn’t want to work at Costco, but it was meeting a need and teaching me special lessons. And it wasn’t completely clear at first what I wanted to do because I had a lot of fear around building another business. Once it was obvious, I began steps toward building Finding Home with Jude. 

When I began to write Finding Home, I hit a wall. I didn’t feel worthy. I had “failed” so big and the wounds went root deep. So, working at Costco made me feel that I no longer have the authority I once did to speak, share, teach etc. This was my shame about not being good enough creeping in through my work which has nothing to do with who I am or the expertise I have gathered over my lifetime. I am a healer/teacher and always have been and will be no matter where I work. No more hiding. No more allowing shame to cause me to hide.

Step by step I am building the life I am called to live with confidence, but this time aligned with my true essence. My trauma is no longer in the driver seat. It is a part of my lived experience and shaped me, but it is not who I am! The power of all this inner work is the knowing that comes with it. My choices have become clear and are leading me forward.

Facing our traumas and the reasons we hide is our path toward Home. I hope you begin to take steps on this long and winding road because it is my belief that we are here for a reason, we all carry seeds of purpose within and the world needs what you are carrying. We all matter, we all make a difference, we are all walking each other Home. Remember who you truly are and let that be your guide.

Rumi said, “You have no need to go anywhere. Journey within yourself. Enter a mine of rubies, and bath in the splendor of your own light.”

I love you. I love myself. And that feels really good to me.

What are your hidden gems? Why are you hiding them?

If you need clarity, support, guidance in learning to listen to your inner compass or gaining tools that support you in your journey of finding home, please set up a discovery call.