Finding myself has been a lifelong journey. When you are born and given an identity not anchored to truth, but instead submerged in an ocean of lies, it is easy to be tossed about by the changing tides.
My life as an adoptee has been like most people’s—filled with joy and pain, laughter and loss, terror and beauty. I am glad to have had this experience, yet I must acknowledge that adoption has caused me an excruciating loss of family, mother, father, half-brother, and Self. It is a loss of heritage, culture, connection, ancestors, stories, food, and song—treasures that belonged to me, but of which I was deprived. This deprivation caused me to grasp at an identity that would appeal to the masses.
My connection with Life and others felt so insecure that I would try to connect through love, affection, flattery, and gossip. Anything to fit in. Whatever it took to protect myself from not belonging.
Many of my blog posts since 2019 have explored my experiences as an adoptee. I have written about how my identity became enmeshed with my trauma, and the years I spent learning to differentiate between trauma and Self until I finally established Home within. Once I began having these sweeping revelations and created a felt sense of wholeness, I felt I had finally found my purpose. Finding Home was birthed, and I thought I would lead many on their own inner journey Home to Self. I was wrong.
As a freeze-fawn, I found the role of the “good girl” to be a form of protection, and my natural spirituality combined with this seamlessly. My desire to support others through transformative work was genuine because it was the water I had learned to swim in and loved. But when I peel back the layers, I can see that before I was helping others heal, there was a dark, heavy pressure to prove I was worthy of this life I was gifted—like a dark companion in the shadows, watching and waiting for me to make a mistake. This pressure was so intense that it led me in endless cycles of creating outlets to lead and serve.
This is not a complaint. I have cherished the work I have done and have felt honored by the people who let me into the most vulnerable parts of themselves.
All my life I have felt a pressure to create positive change in the world. This desire came naturally and is an inherent thread within who I am, yet it became distorted with my need to be loved, acknowledged, and approved of. My spiritual insights and gifts became entangled with my trauma. So even though I left my trauma-bound identity in Seoul, Korea in July of 2021, this part of me didn’t seem like it was part of the trauma. I didn’t have the capacity to see that until a few months ago.
For the last four years, I have worked at mapping out and building Finding Home behind the scenes, writing and creating powerful workshops. I know they are good and would help others, but now I see that I must lay down this role, this identity, and surrender. The inner pressure to create caused me to try to force something into being, even though everything in me was trying to simply allow it to be birthed—two completely opposite energies. All of this caused me much frustration, self-doubt, and heartache. To know the potential within yourself and feel you just cannot create it is deeply painful. I know there are people who believe in me and would say, “You can do it.” They are right—I could force it. But my body is saying, “Rest. Not like this. Not now. Maybe not ever.”
I titled this “Truth or Theater” because of what I see happening in the world. Everything feels amplified right now. For me, it has become painfully obvious how much theater is taking place. As William Shakespeare said, “All the world’s a stage.” Our egos cause us to don many masks—layers of them. We crave authenticity, yet we haven’t built the capacity for that kind of courage and vulnerability. We meander into it and out of it depending on the situation.
Decades of pursuing authenticity have taught me there is always another layer, and here I am sitting with another one. The mask is so thin, sheer, and light—opalescent. I hardly knew it was there. It seduced me into thinking it was ME! My gifts, desires, talent and potential aligned, but this mask comes with egoic desires of fame, wealth, and power. These are not bad in and of themselves, but the fact that they are there tells me I am not ready yet. In our current system, these desires lead to exploiting others. For me, these desires are rooted in a need to prove something to myself, others—heck, the whole world—when in reality, I have nothing to prove. I just am. I am Jude, who found Home, and is now trying to tend to my inner garden and protect the truth.
We all feel weary of the theater that life has become, especially life online. Almost daily, the thought of leaving the platforms comes to mind: the bombardment of sales, information, lies, and propaganda. It is too much. Nature is calling me to explore, spend time and relax. Finding a small community in my little part of the world where I can cultivate true belonging is calling as well.
This ethereal mask of the “Spiritual Guru” identity is beautiful, but I know the dark side of it as well. I have left a cult, seen leaders use fear like a whip to keep people in line, felt the hypnosis of manipulation, and experienced the crumbling that comes from seeing the man behind the curtain. I want nothing to do with this seductive mask. I don’t need it anymore.
As I type this and think of my readers—the few I have—they may wonder about my integrity. Have I been playing theater all along? I can honestly say, “No.” I was being as real as I knew how to be, and that exact same value is driving me to surrender now. I am laying down my business, website, and “guru” identity to be just Jude. I still do Reiki, coach, and offer support when someone comes knocking on my door because I love doing so—that is simply who I am.
For now, I surrender to the unknown and travel a wild path with nothing but my enchanted inner compass as a guide. For those who understand this means I will be entering the void, a state that can feel deeply uncomfortable, but is to be protected as it is the womb for what will come next.
I thank all of you who have followed me for the last 15 years. It has meant the world to me. If you wish to continue reading my writing, you can find me on Substack at https://substack.com/@fhwithjude
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