Kali spinning the wheel of time, there is no stopping it.

Last week, I decided to pull a card, ask the Universe, “What do I need to know today for my best and highest good?”. I focused on my question, took a deep breath and grounded myself, shuffled the cards and selected, knowing the Universe will answer. The card I drew was the Field of Dreams, reversed. Yes, direction makes a difference. Looking at the card, I let the picture speak to me, sense it’s message then read the corresponding written message, “Are your dreams your own, or are they really someone elses’s?” Hmmm, I considered this question, then continued and these words resonated, “Have you placed security above fullfillment?”

Yesterday was a beautiful crisp autumn day, I was walking to a friends house and overheard two young boys, 8-9 years old talking. One was very well spoken and confident. He was telling the other how he is in the gifted and talented program at school and that he will have more college opportunities than other children. He prattled on quite proud of himself for being “ahead of the game”. At first I was a little amused and thought good for him. My second thought was he has been indoctrinated into our broken societal systems just like I was. I won’t go down the road of politics and belief systems, but do you really think you are free?

Hearing this boy had me thinking about my dreams. I began asking myself some questions; what do I really want for myself,are my dreams my own, how do I want to live, what makes me happy and how can I impact the world? Late, when I came home, I glanced through Facebook and this question was posted on a friends page.

“Am I living in a way which is deeply satisfying to me, and which truly expresses me?”

Carl. R Rogers

It hit me square in the eyes. I felt the full weight of it. What do you really want? What makes you feel alive? What do you find deeply satisfying? Has anyone ever truly asked me these questions? I had assimulated many ideals and expectations as my own desires growing up without questioning them. Here I am probably more than halfway through life wishing I had asked myself probing questions.

When I feel perplexed I journal. Sometimes when I journal I will clip pictures from magazines to paste to the page. Before I began writing, I chose two pictures that I had clipped a long time ago and set aside. One was of a dreamy scene of soft colors with a castle by the water. The second was of the Hindu Goddess Kali in bright colors; she looks like she is dancing or moving energy up to the sky. I didn’t know much about Kali except that she is associated with chaos. Pasting the dream picture on the first page, I set Kali aside to see if she would be used in this entry or not. She lay there looking up at me with a slight Mona Lisa Smile, like she knew something that I don’t. I left her there to stare. Periodically, I’d look at her. I had her clipped for a long time, she had been calling to me, waiting for the right moment to speak.

The first thing I wrote was, “Do I know myself. Do I know my dreams?”. “How can I know what I want if I don’t know myself, I thought. Immediately a myriad of dreams and desires I have had and still have for myself flowed in and out of my mind. Pondering the tumultuous last four years, I realized that out of chaos I learned more about myself than I did during years of comfort and security. Continuing to write my next lines were, “life shifted and changed me in unexpected ways. Out of chaos and shadows I begin to emerge. Who is she?” The entry was filled with thoughts of the work of chaos in my life. I considered how it opened my mind, strengthened and molded me. I could see Divine’s work through my topsy-tuvry, Alice and Wonderland, down the rabbit hole experiences and turmoil and decided that Kali did indeed belong on my page as a symbol of Divine love working through destruction, change and difficulty. I felt gratitude for how she worked behind the scenes through challenging circumstance to help me get to where I need to be; on a path of becoming more whole.

A year ago I would not have been able to see the blessing of chaos, although I knew Divine was helping me through what felt like the destruction of my life. Now, I can see the goodness of chaos and in the midst of uncertainty be okay with not knowing what tomorrow might bring. I felt gratitude for Kali’s presence and thanked her for her work, although I know it is not complete.

I woke with Kali on my mind and decided to do a Google search. The first heading that caught my eye was “Kali Goddess who liberates souls”, I thought, “yes, indeed” and decided to read that article. Kali is the Sanskrit word for time. The wheel of time is spinning and never stops, revolving and bringing changes; some calm and others tulmulteous, as Solomon said, there is a season for everything.  According to the article,http://www.goddess.ws/kali.html, Kali is often misunderstood as the goddess of death, but her mythology does not refer to physical death. She brings about liberation through “the death of ego as the illusory self-centered view of reality”. Death to self, overcoming the “I am the body” helping to awaken us to the understanding that we are more than our bodies. Our bodies, earthen vessels, are a temporary condition. We are Source energy manifesting in this physical reality.

Kali is known to remove obstacles that hinder our growth. Ocassionally, the very things we find security in can be the obstacles that impede our forward movement. Chaos when it comes to call, feels uncomfortable and unpleasant, swirling around us, allowing us to feel lost, helpless, uncertain and can leave us wondering what the future holds. It causes us to go within, to find our anchor inside ourselves instead of looking to theworld of material things, our bodies that whither or religion outside of ourselves. In the midst of turmoil I clung more tightly to God who is within me, the one who has always been with me, who has never left me. Kali danced into my life and turned everything upside down. Through the pandemonium ideals were shattered and others made more concrete, false expectations fell away and made space for acceptance and in it’s wake Victim was exposed. I had to choose would I continue a life of victim-hood or strength, compassion and generosity? Would I choose Ego or walk the unknown path of being me? Kali came into my life unexpectedly and she isn’t done yet. I think she always was, but I had created a facade of security that I trusted in so I was blind. Once removed, I could see the truth. Nothing is definite except for NOW.

So, when people ask me about the future or plans, the truth is I don’t know. Who I am, how I perceive and how I live is changing. The world is changing. I have decided more important than having a plan or living according to what is expected; is how I live. Keep it simple, love fully, do good and be happy. My intention is to choose that in each NOW that I have.