Often our truth is trapped within as time passes by

Words. Thoughts. Emotions. Do you let them fly or stuff them down? Do you ever watch a movie or TV show and feel frustrated because if they would only communicate none of the tragedy would be happening?  So easy looking from a distance, isn’t it.

Do you have worlds of past words, thoughts and emotions trapped inside you that were never spoken, released or expressed? Do you feel the pain of it? Does your chest get tight, feel heaviness or your gut clench into a ball? Maybe your lower back feels a subtle tension and soreness? Guess what, it may not be a pulled muscle, it might be years of emotional trauma stored in your body.

At this stage in my life, I am finding that I do. And it has been a painful wake up call since I have prided myself on doing all the self work. And I have, but healing is not linear and often new levels of understanding arise. It seems that I have kept quiet too often. Being nice and being polite were important to me, showing love, forgiveness and grace were also important, so I often stayed silent. But at what cost?

As I begin a new chapter and try forge a new beginning, I am finding that the “old me” is challenging the “new me” to a duel. I am not sure who will win. The old me is used to staying quiet. Swallowing pain, crying alone, forgiving the world and living with wounds. There is something beautiful in choosing love and forgiveness, but my understanding has been out of balance and unhealthy.  Keeping quiet for the sake of others has made me bitter, angry and a victim. I could not see these things hiding or how much I had aligned with being a victim until recently.  I hate it. I could not see that my forgiveness was not complete. I held onto my suffering like a badge of honor (martyr comes to mind) to show how strong and good I am. I am the better one….right? Ugh…

If I kept my words to myself, no one would know what I am really thinking of them, assholes.

Now, please don’t get me wrong, I don’t think most people are assholes.  In general, I love people easily, but those assholes who wounded me, betrayed me, didn’t do what I expected them to do, etc. Those people, who I am more than justified to call asshole…Usually, those assholes, are people I really love too.

It gets complicated and confusing. I love them, they hurt me.  Some are probably thinking, put your big girl pants on. I hate that saying by the way, it diminishes the pain of what someone has gone through. Not a good saying.

“A lot of people are afraid to say what they want.

THAT’S WHY

they don’t get what they want.” — Madonna

Recently, I had the opportunity to address some old wounds and speak up on things that I have held onto for 30 years. I thought I had dealt with it, forgiven who needed to be forgiven, but there were other people involved that I hadn’t forgiven and I wonder what is the point now. It won’t change anything, that is true, but it may change me. It feels risky and scary to me. Possibly, because it may destroy the “nice girl” mask I have been wearing…I don’t know. More likely than not it is because I haven’t practiced doing it.  It is foreign to me and terrifying.

As much as I have worked through these old wounds along the way. They are still there, smaller and more distant, but still affecting my life in ways I do not desire. So I choose to deal with it as best I can and heal which comes through forgiveness and letting go. I have suffered enough. Let it go! So I am giving voice to what remains as professionally, nicely and firmly as I can.

Giving voice, I like it better than finding your voice, because it is all inside of you, me, there is nothing to find. These stories are inside waiting to be expressed and released. They are inside of us eating away at our souls; damaging our lives and bodies. Over time these old wounds slowly distort and devour what could be good.

I am realizing had I known how or had the courage needed to give voice to these things in a healthy way, I would be healthier and happier now.  By keeping things inside I saw everything through a distorted lens. Only healing our wounds will bring liberation from the distortion we see life through.

I am finding that giving voice is part of the healing for me. Giving voice is part of ending the pattern.

Last night the New Me took my sons to dinner. I ordered soup, when it arrived it was WAAAAYYYY too salty. I decided to do something I have NEVER done. I returned it.  I spoke up for myself. I know this seems trivial, but for me it wasn’t. I politely said to the waiter, “Excuse me, this soup is usually wonderful, but it is too salty to eat.”  He kindly took it back and said he would quickly have them make some fresh for me.

My sons said that they felt badly for him. I told them, it is their job. I am paying for this meal and it is okay for me to request a new one or something different. I should be able to enjoy my meal.

A meal became a teaching moment for them and for me. By giving voice I am showing them courage, healthy conflict resolution, and the power of speaking up for yourself. It actually changes reality. Right? What would have happened had I not said anything? I would have eaten salty soup, maybe complained about it to my kids, been the victim of salty soup. Poor mom who works so hard had to eat salty soup.  Put your big girl pants on (I reserve the right to say it to myself, then it is acceptable). I am actually learning to put them on and give voice to what is inside me.

This is the messy path of empowerment. Chosen moment by moment. Some moments glorious and some painful, but all wonderful.

If you can relate to keeping quiet, storing thoughts and emotions, please be bold and share in the comments. If you want to begin to journey inward, need help in practicing how to give voice to yourself, release emotions, or start a new chapter, please message me about mindset coaching.