The Unexplored Power of Reciprocity
This word has recently come into my awareness in a strong and powerful way. Like a gentle whisper from Life that began to tug at my heart and kept increasing in volume until it was well understood.
I began with studying the power dynamics in my relationships past and present. Experiential research, so to speak, of the energetic dynamics between myself and others with the concept of reciprocity as the focus. Very quickly I began to get excited as I could see the potential power of reciprocity. It is a high frequency good feeling flow state of natural abundance.
Initially I was excited because I am experiencing it in my relationship with my fiancé, but it didn’t take long for me to see the far reaching impact of reciprocity. It would mean choosing to live in a flow of giving and receiving instead of our current give and take model that is based in Power-over dynamics. It would mean changing our currency energetically, which would eventually transform our current relationship with currency (money) in the material world.
First to understand power dynamics let us look at these 3 simple concepts from Dr. Brené Brown’s work: Power-over, Power-with and Power-to. It is important to understand these concepts because where we power from, how we fund our power, either supports or inhibits our ability to step into and sustain, the flow of genuine reciprocity.
- Power-over asks self/others to sacrifice for the greater good.
- Power-with asks self/others to walk side-by-side and to use compromise and discernment of sovereign choice as a basis for decision.
- Power-to asks self/others to look within for the answers.
When I first met Jeff, I was reeling from a series of disappointments and loss. I did not feel ready for a relationship; to say I was cautious would be an understatement. I barraged him with bold frank honesty and matter-of-factly stated; what I wanted, didn’t want, along with my boundaries, strengths and weaknesses. I had many conversations with him about power dynamics. Explaining Power-over and Power-with. I made it very clear to him that I am committed to operating from Power-with dynamics and that I will not be in a Power-over relationship. I said, “IF we decide to have a relationship, we will be equal partners, a team, we will always choose to be on the same side and we will find win-win solutions.” We dated as friends for a long time. He told me later that he almost gave up.
I smile as I remember our beginnings and write on a small folding desk that he bought me because I like to write on my computer in our bed. I look up and I see a small jar with feathers and a heart on paper inside. These are not expensive items. They are thoughtful ones. I bought tea that came in a glass jar. I would have recycled it, but he washed and took the label off and said, “this would be nice for your feathers.” I took my feathers and placed them inside with a yellow sticky note heart that he had left for me on my desk. They are worth nothing to anyone else; only me and only him. These small tokens are peppered in our daily exchanges, not because of expectations or have to, but because we have learned together the joy of play and reciprocity. We have not divided household chores, we simply move in who has the capacity in the moment. We both have a heart to serve the other at all times, we bend and move together with ease. We both feel contentment, appreciated and full. We came to our relationship full and we know how to fill our own cups, so we give easily and we can freely say, “today I don’t have it to give” and step into receiving mode.
Together we set the agreed upon intention of Power-with. It hasn’t always come easy, but this experiment with Power-with has been beautiful because we are meeting each other equally each step of the way. For me, being met equally has been a breath of fresh air after a lifetime of differing my power.
There are times when we have had to remind each other; we are on the same team. We have needed to take space and come back when we are able to go to tender places together, resolve and find solutions that feel good to both of us. We have gone slow and continue to go slowly. We are building carefully because we know the worth of what we are building. Somehow we intuitively know what is possible and we want to experience it with each other.
To sustain reciprocity it takes setting intention to fund your relationships from Power-with as well as commitment to practicing these 4 things:
- Awareness of Power Dynamics
- Boundaries
- Open Honest Clear Communication
- Committed to Win-Win
It will be two years ago on the 28th, of this month that we met. We are now beginning to have a steady flow between us and it is sweet and precious. I recognize it as reciprocity. I feel it, I see its energetic structure and what it has created between us is the energetic sentience of our relationship which is still in seed form.
Once I recognized the energetic signature and the felt-sense of reciprocity, I began to study it. In my mind’s eye it looks much like the infinity symbol. Where the streams of energy cross is the nexus point where the energy of the relationship sits like a seed spark. The energy of the relationship is funded by the energy moving from one entity to another. All of the information; spoken and unspoken, agreements acknowledged and unconscious are coded in the energy of the relationship.
When we are in reciprocity we more easily flow in acceptance, forgiveness, compassion, gratitude, appreciation, respect, giving and receiving. It feels like dipping into an endless well of love and possibilities. Meeting each other in this space of equality and equity. It does not feel like compromise because choices are intentional and conscious. Both are in their power without the other sacrificing. How wonderful. There is enough space for each person to grow and express their authentic experiences, viewpoints and dreams. They are free to cheer each other on and hold space for where the other is at in their journey. They stand as witnesses to each other’s wholeness and remind the other of this when needed. “You are whole and complete, as you are.”
Looking back on past relationships, I can see the consequences of a Power-over dynamic. This is the pervasive dynamic of our culture at this time. As we awaken and become more conscious and aware we are slowly shifting into a new paradigm where Love is the anchor, we are becoming heart anchored. In our current Power-over narrative the majority of people have fear anchoring, so naturally Power-over creates a false sense of safety. Thus we have unbalanced power dynamics in our relationships which lead to unhealthy dynamics, poor boundaries and a spectrum of abuse. We are left feeling drained, depressed, anxious, lost, lonely, exhausted, angry and disillusioned. The currency of Power-over is give and take. I’ll scratch your back, if you scratch mine. I must sacrifice one thing to gain another. The few have wealth and power, while the multitude defer their power and live in lack, suffering and labor hard for very little. Inequality and inequity are the accepted norm.
In my past relationships our agreements were ones of Power-over. I willingly chose to sacrifice aspects of myself to live the life that was expected of me. I chose these traditional norms to my detriment and that of my spouse and children. From the outside looking in, observing Power-over dynamics, it may seem that one is “winning” at the expense of others and this is partially true. The real truth is no one is winning. We are all connected, so while one may think they are winning while others suffer, the truth is they are suffering as well in some other way. They are not able to experience the full joy, contentment, peace or happiness that is possible.
When I began looking at the energetics of Power-over dynamics in relationship it was similar in a figure 8 infinity structure, but it was wobbly, the sides would be different sizes, the energy would sometimes be staticky and inconsistent. It became obvious to me that it is much more work to sustain.
In the past, I repeatedly chose Power-over dynamics in my relationships and wondered why they withered. I experienced Power-over dynamics in all of my work places and found that the only job I was happy at, was when I was running my own business. At that time I didn’t know the terms Power-over or Power-with, but I dreamed of creating a Power-with team of wellness practitioners to create a community with the intention of helping others to find healing and wholeness. I dreamt of Power-with because within me was the knowing that it is possible to live differently. I believe we all know this within, but fear hinders us from hoping or trying. Of course we have fear and unbelief that it is possible, we have grown up in a Power-over world, one in which each one of us has our own scars that say, “life isn’t fair, people can’t be trusted, the rich get richer and the poor get poorer, you have to work hard to earn a living (pause and think about that one) and that is just the way things are”.
“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.”
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Mutuality is reality we are all connected. Seeing that there can be another choice. Reciprocity unfolded and expanded looks like abundance for all. It takes building a felt sense of safety within yourself first. We have been operating in Power-over with our own selves! YES, that is right. We most definitely have been. We have denied parts of ourselves for what we believed was the greater good of the whole, for survival or fitting in, which to our nervous systems is survival. We often give our minds power over our hearts and gut. We must first reconcile the power dynamics within ourselves. The next step is building trust with each other, this feels a lot riskier. At this point, I want I to give a shout out to my friend Michelle Frink who brought these concepts into my awareness and invited me into my first Power-with relationship, a friendship with her. It has been so nourishing and transformational. Thank you Michelle.
Speaking of feeling risky, it has been so scary, actually terrifying at times, for me to open up to Jeff, to trust him fully. My past screams at me inside, this feels like when…(insert any memory of past wounds). But thankfully, each time he chooses to build trust with me, he meets me in the sacred space of us”” and says, “I am here with you.” Literally and figuratively. A scaffolding of trust upholds our relationship and makes it easier to create connections of safety and belonging. Of course, trust is something that we have to attend to consistently, it is not a once and done. We are not only learning to give, but also to receive, and for me this has been the more difficult of the two to practice or ask for. Yes, I am learning to ask for what I need and what I want! (gasp! yes i am!!!)
Once I was able to name the dynamic of reciprocity between us, it opened up my ability to access it more. I can build on the feeling of it, connect to it and practice it in other relationships more readily. These changes come slowly. They need nurture and practice. But observing the unfolding of it has been fun and magical.
The more I speak to it the more it grows. Where we place our intention and attention is where our energy goes. I am becoming more playful and light. This is how we live. Life itself is in a relationship of reciprocity with each of us, but we often are perceiving it from the lens of Power-over and so we unconsciously project negative beliefs onto Life. We cannot connect to It’s love, support and abundance. It is through naming it that we open doors and portals through which we can begin to access and create connections to these other truths and ways of being.
We get to choose how we want to fund our lives, relationships and interactions. We get to choose what we want to nourish and nurture. We get to choose our currency and anchor. We are so powerful. We get to choose and create, so why not create a life you really enjoy? Why not create a world of win-win? We not cultivate yummy feelings of abundance! If we want to achieve progress, we must pursue it!
Reciprocity is like being a child delighting in a playful water fight on a warm summer day. Splashing and laughing, getting wet and feeling the refreshing delight of cool water on your warm skin. It is the giving of refreshment and receiving it back in full joy, love and light.
For more understanding on power dynamics here is a video interview with Russel Brand and Dr. Brené Brown:
If you are wanting to support in transforming your power dynamics
0 Comments