For me shame was an elusive term. A feeling I could not relate to or grasp. I could mentally understand it, but I couldn’t comprehend it. I remember talking about it with my ex-husband long ago, long before we moved to Charlotte. We sat together one night talking about pride and shame. I said, “I think those are the two most difficult aspects of ourselves to be aware of. I know I have pride”, I continued, “and can sometimes see my pride clearly, but I don’t know shame.” I genuinely did not know the feeling of shame. I thought perhaps it was something I did not struggle with.

I have written about my becoming aware of the trauma of adoption in June of 2019. (See blog post Are You My Mother). Everyone has trauma. Adoption trauma happens because human babies are wired to bond with their biological mother. It is that simple, but this trauma, like all traumas gets encoded into our DNA and eventually manifests through, behaviors, beliefs, limitations and physical pain or dis-ease. As a massage therapist and Reiki Master, I have seen the effects of trauma on the body, emotions, mind, and spirit of my clients. As an adoptee, I have experienced the effects in my inner and outer personal world.

When I became aware of my trauma last June, I began a new season of personal growth and healing. It was then that my ability to see my own shame began. My shame did not become clear to me immediately. It took time for me to see that operating in shame had been my norm for most of my life. Exploring the wound and all it’s shadows, accepting myself and the wound, allowed me to begin to see how shame had operated in my life. Shame was a subtle and quiet emotion for me; a constant undercurrent. Deep within my subconscious was the lie; I did not belong, have a right to be here or to exist.. Shame hid in the corner facing the wall hoping to go unnoticed. “Please don’t see me”, it says and I didn’t until recently.

What does shame feel like?

Shame feels like: withdrawal, being small, minimizing yourself, people pleasing, wanting to go unnoticed, not wanting to create waves, not wanting to be seen, not wanting to be heard, not wanting to make a mistake. When you feel yourself shrink within, want to hide or going along with the flow as not to create waves. Shame and fear are likely at work. Take notice.

What does shame crave?

Shame desires, even craves, acceptance, attention, soothing and love. It wants to be told you matter, you belong, you have a right to be here,to be heard, to take up space, to be, to deserve and to delight. Nothing is wrong with you. You matter.

Shame kept me from accepting what was and who I was. Once I examined the wound and began to speak about it, I began to accept myself in a new and profound way. A deeper love for who I am developed and I found myself speaking up more; I began to be true and loyal to myself. I became unashamed of who I am. I became okay with people not liking me, not being in my life, and not understanding. I became okay, content, settled, more confident, decisive, grounded, out spoken and certain of my truth.

I had open and honest talks with most people in my life during this time. Frank talks that caused distance with some and deeper connection with others. My mom told me in August, “I am so glad you finally found yourself.” I replied, “I am too”. 2019 was a bit of a homecoming for me, I felt my life had come full circle, a cycle was being completed and a new beginning being offered by the Universe. One in which I could choose the Tree of Life or the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Why would I choose, again, shame and judgement when I can see the illusion of the second tree?

A couple weeks ago, I created a vision board for 2020. A picture of my universe filled with words that express my inner reality, ones that I want to manifest into the world, on it is the word shameless as a reminder to live shamelessly as myself, naked and not ashamed, vulnerable but in the strength of who I am. Authenticity is knowing your shadows and not hiding them, but it is also about not hiding your strengths. There is no shame in any part of who you are. You are designed to be brilliant. Let your light shine!

“Let go who you think you are supposed to be and embrace who you are.” – Brene Brown

Our natural state of being, our essence, is energy; light. At our purest core we are light beings. High frequency light beings. Shame is a very low frequency emotion; it weighs us down, impedes progress, causes dis-ease and makes us hide and wear masks. Going within, journeying inward and exploring your inner landscape with love and acceptance empowers  you to remove the fig leaf that covers your natural beautiful brilliant state of being. Choose the Tree of Life and you choose to live as yourself, naked and not ashamed.  Once we accept what is, as “Eden”, then you will discover life in all its glorious fullness. Once we let go of duality and it’s judgements, shame and separation and choose wholeness, we can see that life unfolds as it should, that all moments are pointing us toward love, wellbeing and home.

Vision Board 2020

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