This is a blog post that I started long ago and put away because of the complexity and emotionality of it, but I want to share the all the nuanced lessons I learned from my mom’s passing.

Please forgive me if it reads like rambling, is hard to follow or the interconnectedness of events isn’t clear. I will do my best.

I will begin in 2019, although this story truly starts before my birth, as with all things, our stories start before we arrived. For me, 2019 was a year of huge self discoveries.  I journeyed into the shadow lands of my unconscious to begin healing my newly identified relinquishment trauma in an effort to develop a greater sense of wholeness. By December I was assimilating lessons of acceptance, letting go, and non-attachment and as 2020 drew near declared that “acceptance” was my word for the new year.

My intention was to practice acceptance. By that time, Life had made it very evident that it is ever changing, nothing is permanent and that there is no security to be found looking outside of ourselves. I was beginning to understand how acceptance plays a large part in the enjoyment of our lives.  So, boldly I declared 2020 the year of “acceptance”. I had no idea of all that 2020 was going to bring!

Our human story; we are born, grow, live, age and die. It is as simple as that. We call it, “the circle of life’. This is the natural flow of the nature. We all know this, but are often shocked when the reality of it comes knocking on our own front door.

Some backstory, my mother’s health had been slowly declining for many years. She had COPD and congestive heart failure. We knew her death was imminent, but the timing was uncertain. Even with this knowing, when time becomes short, as prepared as one tries to be, you are never fully prepared for the last moments. Especially with someone as significant as your mom.

As I write this, I am reminded, that I have lost two mothers which is more than most people must face in one lifetime. But this post is not about my first loss, it is about my mom, the one that chose me and the one that I chose back. Yet, having two moms is my life story and it plays a role in this one as well, so I share my thoughts about it freely.

In a previous blog post, I wrote of my adoption story and the discovery of my relinquishment trauma. I experienced the realization of this trauma on June 6th, 2019. In adoptee circles this awakening to our trauma is known as, “coming out of the fog”.

Since that time I had many conversations with my adopted mom, Gayle. From here on out I will call her mom, as that is who she is to me. She is my chosen mom. These conversations were were complex and painful for both of us. They were a mixture of difficult words that had never been spoken, insights to one another never understood and mostly love and gratitude for each other. We talked about my younger self’s perspective and inner world. Imagine, these things were kept hidden for 50 years. These conversations were needed.  They healed and brought us closer. I wish they happened long ago, but my unknown trauma kept them locked inside me.

The importance of my sharing this, is to understand the unfolding of our stories; as this was part of my story, but also my mom’s. Our lives were intricately intertwined.

After her transition, I could see the timing and love of Life in these events that exposed and cleared wounds and illusions before my mother’s passing. This gave us the healing and closure we needed.  Had these issues not been dealt with they would likely have caused me to withdraw and act or speak out of my wound.  My mother’s transition would not have been as smooth and beautiful for her, me or my sisters. The following events may seem trivial or boring, but in hindsight they are moments woven together to create something so beautiful and mysterious, please read until the end.

In August my mom had a hospital stay; complications due to COPD. I drove up to stay the weekend and brought my Well-Being card deck by Abraham Hicks. I had never read cards with my mom, so I felt anxious about offering to, but the encouraging messages on the cards made me think it would be a fun distraction. After some time chatting, I pulled the card deck out and said, “why don’t you pull a card? Ask the Universe, “what message you need to know today for your best and highest good”. 

I shuffled the deck feeling the thick cards in my hands, spread them out and asked my mom to picked a card. She selected one and handed it to me. Turning it over I read its message. Immediately I felt repelled and quickly put it on top of the other cards and back in the box, mumbling, “I don’t like that card”. The message was about death. The card hit too close to home, how could I read that to my mom right now?

My conscious nudged me, it is her message. I had never not read a card before, I knew it was right to share it’s message, so I mustered my courage and read the card. I told my mom, “it is your message, I will read it even though I don’t like it”.

“My health and well-being are natural forever. You can appropriately depart your body without illness or pain. You need not attract illness or pain as an excuse to leave your body. You are free to choose otherwise.”

I did not add words or thoughts, I allowed silence and space for the card’s message to sink in.  Mom sat quietly, she and I never talked about the card again.

Fast forward to Christmas. My sisters, their families and mine, had all gathered together to celebrate the weekend after Christmas, but I needed to return home to work on Monday. My older sister and her husband were staying for the week. It had become clear that mom’s health was declining quickly. She asked us if maybe she should go to the hospital. My sisters and I surrounded her. Nancy, my younger sister, reminded her that she told us she wanted to be at home, but that if she changed her mind we could take her to the hospital. She decided to go home.

Later, I privately suggested we call Hospice because they are so good with palliative care and supporting people during transition. When it was time for goodbyes, I told my children make sure to hug grandmom and tell her you love her,  this may be the last time you see her. When we were driving home, I told my children, “I think I will be driving back this week. I think that was the last time you will see grandmom.” 

Tuesday was New Years Eve. During the day my mom asked my sisters to help her plan a NYE bash for her friends. My mom rang in the 2020 New Year with her besties and a smile. My sister had arranged a meeting with Hospice on Wednesday. They met with an amazing Hospice nurse who answered all their questions. After that meeting my mom stopped eating. By Thursday she was sleeping most of the day. On Friday I finished work at 3pm and called my sisters to check-in for the day. 

My sister Allison answered the phone and said, “let me get mom on video for you….”, as soon as I saw my mom I knew it was time to go. I cancelled my clients, packed my things and drove three hours in the most horrible rain storm I have ever driven in.

My sisters and I spent the next few days taking care of our mother and each other. We sang songs, shared stories, laughed, cried and hugged a lot. Each of us had choices to make. When death draws near we often come face to face with our largest fears and unhealed areas. I will be forever thankful for the love we chose to walk in with each other. We supported one another with grace and ease; each of us flowing in our strengths. Our mother was at peace with no sign of struggle. Our unconditional love for each other created a calm acceptance of what was happening.

My past prepared me for this moment. Could it be that our present is preparing us for our currently unknown future? My Reiki training and experiences with clients had prepared me for this moment in time. I will try to briefly share a couple to give some insight to matters of life and death.

About 9 months prior, I was working with a client doing Intuitive Massage which combines massage, energy work and Somatic therapy. When I started to move up her left hamstring, I saw a very vivid image of a pregnant woman in space, the universe, surrounded by darkness and stars. Her hands on her burgeoning baby filled belly. Images flashed through my mind very quickly. A baby’s first breath. A person’s last breath. Breathing. In and out. Like waves I felt into this knowing. Of breath waves. In and out. The first and last moments so similar. Arriving. Departing. Arriving in a new realm. Each are both. Birth and death. Arriving through the portal of flesh. Leaving through a portal of flesh. I saw, felt and understood deeply the connections of these moments, the beauty and I felt awe. Tears formed as I saw the awesomeness of Life in these moments. Immediately, I understood why I was seeing these images as they were a message for my client who was wanting to become a death doula; someone who supports a person and their family, as they transition from this life into the ethers.  I understood fully through this vision the work she would be doing. I had a glimpse that would prepare me for my mother’s passing. This was the most powerful moment of preparation, but I had others.

Another was when I was working with a client whose husband had passed one year prior. She was open to receiving messages from him and he would often show up during our sessions. One time in particular was most powerful. I saw him in my minds eye as I was working. He held something in his hand that he wanted me to tell her about. It looked like a golden and orange globe. I did not understand what it was or why he was showing me this item. After the session I told my client about what I saw. She got very excited and led me to her kitchen, she was the only client who I went to her house for appointments, she walked through and into her living room. Reaching up to a shelf, she grabbed a milky white crystal ball down and showed it to me saying, “This is the moon. Friends bought it for us and…” then she walked back into the kitchen, opened a cabinet door and brought down a yellow and orange crystal ball that was bigger than the moon as she continued, “…this is the sun. Male and Female, a pair, a match. These were such a special gift.”

I about fell over. My body was buzzing with energy. I had definitely connected with someone who passed and was communicating to his wife through me from the other side. This moment didn’t change my beliefs, I already believed in such things, but it was concrete evidence to me of the truth of it all.

Now, back to me and my mom. Knowing these things influenced how I showed up for my mom and sisters. Everything that precipitated those moments influenced how I showed up. These tiny details were so important. I knew that I was going to experience something powerful and beautiful; my mothers transition. I felt sorrow. I felt fear, but I wanted to experience it and be there. I told my sisters that I would be doing Reiki during my time there and called them into a circle with me around my mother. I said, “just send love” and so we stood around our mom and showered her with love. She was receiving it and was at peace the entire time. She did not experience pain or discomfort. She was at ease.

Her state was changing rapidly so we called the Hospice nurse on Saturday for a visit. She arrived in the afternoon and was amazed at how my mom’s state had deteriorated since Wednesday. We discussed necessary things and when my sisters went into the kitchen she looked at me seriously and said, “It won’t be long, a few days to a week.” I nodded in understanding and shared this information with my sisters after she left.

That night Nancy and I slept in my mom’s room and talked as we had the night before. I will quickly mention that the night before Nancy and I both felt that the atmosphere in the room was charged, we sensed “things” and our mom had significant “dreams”.  Allison walked in and said that she didn’t want to be left out so she joined us. They were both in my mom’s bed and I was on the floor. Suddenly, I felt all of my perceived adoptee status, an outsider who didn’t fully fit or belong. In the past I would not have said anything, but because of the recent awareness of my trauma I spoke up, “I am feeling like the adopted sister over here” I teased, but it was real. They came over to hug and reassure me. It was a sweet and healing moment for me. I asked them a question that I never dared ask before, “How you feel about each other, what you feel with each other, is it the same with me?” I wanted to know about the feeling of biological connection. Their faces said it all, I saw the instantaneous confusion and disbelief of what I was asking. They easily replied, “it feels the same”. In that moment, I received a shocking ah-ha, I was the only one who felt different. It was my projection all along. This was a powerful transformational moment for me. One I carry as a reminder of the truth.

The next morning we woke, took our mom to the bathroom and back to bed. We sat around her and felt the love of our lifetimes. Our Aunty Becky had arrived the evening before and was such a wonderful support for us and our mom, they were very close even though she was our dad’s sister. Allison and Aunt Becky had gone to the kitchen. Nancy and I sat next to each other on my mom’s bed. Suddenly there was a shift in the atmosphere of the room. Nancy and I looked at each other. She called Allison and Becky in. We surrounded her in silence. Then there was another shift. I looked up and touched Nancy’s knee. She turned to “Alexa” and said, “play music”. Ed Sheeran’s song “Perfect”, began to play.

I watched and felt each of the next seconds unfold. Time felt slow. The atmosphere felt charged. Details were easy to differentiate. I observed my mom’s breath, like waves, rolling in and out, smaller, calmer and further and further apart. Unexpectedly, I felt a whoosh of energy through the back of my body. Then a breath, barely another and then none. I experienced another whoosh of energy through the front of my body. My mom has passed. I wanted to note the time, so I looked up at her clock, it was 11:11am. I said, “Look at that, mom passed at 11:11am”. I was astonished at the timing of such powerful numbers. I knew it was a sign from Life that all is as it is meant to be.

After her passing, we made phone calls to Hospice, the nurse was absolutely astonished that she passed so quickly. We later called her friends and family. Many said that she had reached out in recent months. It became very evident that our mom chose her time, prepared and therefore demonstrated what the card in the hospital had said, we can choose and we can depart without pain. In her death she revealed her true strength to me, she lived for her daughters until her last breath. Even in that was a gift of her love for me.

 

Everything that surrounded her passing felt orchestrated, but nothing was. I felt like I was glimpsing beyond the veil and seeing the inner workings of the Universe; understanding the energetic flow of life when one is in alignment with their true self. Anchored in love.

There are many details that I left out, honestly there were so many significant tiny moments of synchronicity and love that showed me the truth of Life, reality and the fabric of the universe. We are consciousness, we are energy, we are love and so much more than this physical reality shows us, but we can have moments when we get glimpses of who we truly are.

Loving, healing and finding home within ourselves is a part of each of our journeys in this human experience. In the end, we all will die and step into a new way of being, so be bold and brave, live fully and experiment with the life you have been given to live.

I love each of you and am so deeply grateful for you.

If you have questions or need support in your journey of finding and establishing home within yourself, please reach out to me for a FREE discovery call.