2019 Gratitude Challenge

 

My gratitude practice started in October of 2017. After reading an article on the benefits of gratitude, I decided to do a gratitude workshop that concluded with a guided meditation. Little did I know that this idea would lead to an amazing life change.

Following this decision, I began preparing, doing research, gathering notes, posting quotes and journaling my personal gratitude experience. At the time I was separated, had been for three long agonizing years and was gearing up toward the end game; divorce. To say I was scared would be minimizing the truth, I was frozen in fear of my unknown future. As a single mom of four boys with a small business that had provided supplemental income, my mind could not fathom surviving solely on my earnings and the alimony I was expecting. No matter how I did the numbers, it wasn’t adding up to what I would need.

Shortly, after I began my daily gratitude practice, I was informed by my lawyer that I would not be receiving any alimony. ZERO. Thanks to South Carolina law, that is sarcasm with an eyeroll, two separated individuals are not allowed to date, well, you are allowed, but not if you want alimony. So, my ex could date, but I was supposed to remain single waiting for the divorce to be finalized. At 48, knowing our marriage was irreparable, I decided to move forward never thinking my ex would use this law against me. It felt extremely unjust and I felt betrayed, but there was nothing I could do about it. Acceptance came painfully. Fear rushed in like a tsunami washing away every bit of confidence I had worked hard to gain. Like a boat on rough seas I was thrashed about by my emotions and thoughts. I desperately looked for an answer. There was none. My biggest fear, losing everything, not surviving, was at my doorstep, like an unexpected guest.

I discovered that gratitude is a gateway to joy.

The timing felt like a bad joke. I was committed to do a gratitude workshop while my life seemingly was falling apart. Daily practicing thankfulness during the scariest time of my life was painfully difficult. Each day I would take time to be thankful and many days listing; today I have a home, food, a business, enough. Many times I would be sobbing barely able to breathe, tightness in my chest, terrified, but I would push through and end filled with gratitude. I would feel lighter in body and have glimmers.  I quickly began to see the anchoring strength of gratitude. Digging down deep and allowing myself to find the gratitude, I miraculously felt better and began to have hope and faith for my future. I discovered that gratitude is a gateway to joy. Every day I was finding I had so much to be thankful for. Things that I took for granted before became treasure. Grabbing the joy that surrounded me became a truth I saw in action through a simple choice of connecting to the things I appreciated. My life began to feel like a holiday Hallmark movie. I began to be aware that the Life was giving me a great opportunity to see my own strength. Obviously, I am here writing this blog because I did survive and in many ways thrived.

Believing gratitude saved me, I decided every November, I would do a 30 day gratitude challenge. By the third year, you’d think that I would have it perfected, but I don’t. During 2019’s 30 day gratitude challenge, I found it difficult to tap into my feelings of gratitude. It started as more of a “must do” and over time, I discovered the power of a gratitude practice. We can easily write a list of things to be thankful for, but feeling grateful in our body is what elevates our frequency.

 

Gratitude is a high frequency emotion, even higher in frequency than love, but, I just wasn’t into it this year. I lacked awareness. I felt tired and worn out. My body was communicating with me, but I wasn’t responding in a way that would elevate my frequency and change my state of being. Instead, I allowed my focus to be on lack, fear, and despair. Only now, as am I reflecting properly on the last 30 days, can I see how these thoughts and feelings robbed me of the joy that gratitude can bring.

How many days do we live like that?

Going through the motions, the familiar patterns of our every day lives? Allowing chronic patterns of thought, that do not align with our highest good, to dominate? Missing the magic of the moments we have each day.? To be honest, I struggled this November. Gratitude is a tool that I know to use, but I didn’t.

Why?

Most likely habit of thought, well worn patterns that come easily. It takes awareness and work to create new pathways. New pathways enable us to change our patterns and make new choices; assisting us in creating a new story for ourselves. Here I am three years later, still learning new aspects of gratitude.

What I became most grateful for this Thanksgiving is my growth, the inner work I have done that no one sees. The place where I wrestle with darkness and light, pain and sorrow, past and future to learn how to live in the now and let go of attachments that cause my own suffering. According to the Buddha, attachment is the origin of all suffering. My attachment to people, things, beliefs, expectations, future outcomes, ways of seeing myself and my reality are the cause of my suffering.

Letting go can be a difficult choice. It takes deep trust in the unseen and in myself to be able to handle whatever life may bring. But, through letting go of what I felt was just and accepting what is, I was able to forgive and make choices that are healthier and more fulfilling for myself and my children. This Thanksgiving we celebrated with my ex, my children’s father, we had an easy, quiet and lovely day; cooking together, playing video games, talking, laughing and eating a meal and giving thanks that we all were at the same table. A table of love and gratitude for the family that we were in that moment. In that moment, I felt light, strong and content.

 

“Non-attachment is freedom from things. It is the self-realization of the truth of reality —  that you, consciousness, cannot be affected by anything. It is only the egoic mind that makes you think otherwise”  ZenThinking

 

People are amazed that my ex and I can talk nicely and get along. They act as if I have done some miraculous thing, but if we understood ourselves and life better we would let go of the wounds of the past, we possibly would choose differently, Think of the world that you want to create and see how letting go can serve to help you create that. I keep asking myself, “what do I really want? What is my end goal?”. I want a family for my children. I want to honor my 20 year relationship with my ex. I want my children to have a good relationship with their father because they need him. If I held onto my hurt, anger, and sense of justice I would have destroyed the possibility of all I wanted to manifest in order to satisfy my ego.

Now, as I write, I see how my inability to tap into gratitude for the 30 day challenge was a lesson to me. A lesson that I am hanging onto useless beliefs that hinder me from what I want to create in my life. By choosing gratitude in 2017-18, I was able to experience a family Thanksgiving meal in 2019. By not practicing gratitude to its fullest in 2019, I hindered myself from good feeling feelings and from flowing with the Universe which is always supporting me. Once again gratitude has been my teacher, leading me to deeper understanding, calling me to new levels of practice and higher states of being, letting go and trusting; for this I am thankful.

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