These words came to me, bubbling up from the well of stillness within.

Death rattle.

Images of my mother’s passing came to mind, her passing was silent. Knowing her choice to release and transition with ease was reminding me I could do the same.

Trauma-Bound little Judy was nearing her time to transition. I could choose ease and grace or resist. 

Consciously aware of my choice, having resisted transformation and change many times before and knowing that is the harder path, I chose ease and grace. I could honor and grieve an aspect of myself that had served me for my entire life; protected me and carried me through what felt like unimaginable fear and pain in certain moments of my life.

Sitting vigil with her, as we did with our mom, came to mind, so that is what I chose to do. I had never consciously sat vigil with a part of myself before. Often there was resistance during some part of the process. Painful constriction. Fighting the process which only makes it longer and more challenging. Each time I released, integrated and brought a piece home it got easier, but resistance to change, feeling the feelings, facing the truth and feelings of loss, shame, disempowered would be mingled in.

This time would be different. This was the final home coming of my trauma bound identity, Little Judy, and victim narrative. This time I would lovingly sit vigil and mourn for all my parts and all the moments they helped carry me Home. Now, I would welcome this last piece home.

I wrote about what I was sensing and honored Little Judy. She deserved to be honored. She was a magical child with a wild imagination that buffered me from fear, grief and pain.  Without her ability to make magical moments, I would have crumbled and died. So with words, I shared what I was processing so others could witness and sit vigil with me.

In doing so, I was more in touch with the grief and loss of saying goodbye. The old narratives of not fitting in, not being loved enough, not being allowed to be myself and of not having my needs met all came knocking on my door for a last visit. Victim came and went and came again. Greeting them was not welcomed yet, saying goodbye felt painful. It felt like saying goodbye to my oldest and dearest friend. They have been my constant companions throughout life, although more quiet in the last decade. It all felt surprisingly heart wrenching and strange to have awareness of releasing them in a final and significant way.

And so I sat vigil until I knew we were ready to release and come home. I knew I would know when and I did.

It is a beautiful thing to honor what we have experienced, carried, felt and be able to process it. We have the ability to metabolize it so we can gain the nourishment of wisdom and then release all that we no longer wish to hold within us. This is a gift we can give ourselves so that we can be liberated and free. We can honor what we experienced and no longer be tethered and hindered by it. We can feel whole or an innate okayness in our being.

This is the gift that Little Judy is giving me by coming home, letting go of the past, is that the past no longer controls me. I can live in the present and make conscious choices for myself. For this and everything else she has done for me, I love her. She was such a sweet timid gentle little girl. It is my turn to carry you now. Release with ease my little one. It will all be okay.