“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.” Brené Brown

Courage, I have been thinking about the role of courage in my life since my friend Simon Benn brought to my attention that it is the bridge frequency between the lower vibrational states of being and higher ones. It is the tipping point between surviving that points you on a path toward thriving.

Courage is actually a vibration. It’s an emotional frequency or state of being that can be measured. It resonates at 200Hz, and courage is an activating emotion. Activating in that it shifts us into the higher better feeling frequencies like love, joy, peace, gratitude and enlightenment. Courage is the tipping point of energy.

Knowing this has caused me to pause and consider the moments in my life where I have embraced courage and the ones when I pushed it away. What were the outcomes of these moments? What does courage feel like? What has it produced in me?

I remember very clearly a moment in high school when I lacked courage and it left me with regret. My high school English teacher was also the drama teacher. One day after class he suggested I try out for the school play. I love drama, acting and musicals, but I was painfully shy and withdrawn. Fear ruled much of my existence at the time and when he suggested this, I knew that I would get a part, but I never tried out. I was too afraid.

I was 17 at the time. Once the tryouts were complete and I saw the play, I was filled with regret. This regret became a catalyst for change. I made a conscious choice in that moment that I would begin facing my fears. This was my first wobbly steps toward courage.

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” —Anaïs Nin

For decades I have made many steps of courage. Micro step by small step I built my capacity to do things afraid. Yet, it took me 15 years to face the collapse of my marriage and do what I feared the most at the time, ask for a divorce.

Divorce. I considered it for 15 out of our 20 years of marriage. I stayed for many reasons. I had many reasonable excuses. Initially it was my belief that we could heal, fix, make our marriage better. I stayed for our children and my commitment; I wholeheartedly meant my vows. In the end, I stayed for integrity and for fear. In the end, it became clear that fear had kept me more than any other reason. Fear of survival. I had left my career to raise children. How would I enter the work force at 48 and start over? How would I make enough money to support myself and raise our four sons. So I stayed until the pain of staying was greater than the fear of the unknown. In May 2015, I faced the overwhelming fears that consumed and kept me in misery until I uttered those words, “I want a divorce”.

I was shaking, crying and resolute. He knew I meant my words. I knew there was no turning back. I was done. This choice was for my well-being and it took all the courage I could muster.

This choice brought me to face many fears. Starting over, dating, creating businesses, having success and “failures”, moving, travelling alone, eating alone, finding my voice, facing my relinquishment trauma. ALL scary, but exhilarating things. These moments shaped me and led me on a journey of becoming in ways I never expected, but my soul knew I needed. This was my path Home.

Courage for me started with being honest with myself. Noticing areas of misalignment between my inner and outer world. Areas of desires and dreams ignored, words unspoken and moments where I drink the “shrinking potion” like Alice and dissolve into the background of my life. I let myself be comfortable there; “safe”. So, for me, courage looked like being honest with myself and showing up in integrity of what my wild self was showing me; even when my knees shook.

“Courage is found in unlikely places.” —J.R.R. Tolkien

This quote is referring to Frodo in The Lord of the Rings. Looking back, I see myself in this quote. I was so shy, I barely talked to anyone. Any gathering I went to, I would melt into the background and become the observer; a watcher of others and life. I did not interact with the world, I was so terrified. Even in high school, I took a D in Oral Communications class because I refused to speak in front of the class.

Less than ten years later, I was teaching at church and singing on the worship team, later, I would speak in front of small crowds in foreign countries and now enjoy facilitating groups and teaching online. Initially, it felt miraculous, now it is something I enjoy. Courage can take us far.

A micro change can shift our entire trajectory! One moment of courage can do that.

It never ends, needing to find courage. I still have words I want to swallow and hide, even though I know if I do, it will cause me harm in the long run. I can feel so afraid of rejection or being misunderstood by those I love the most. It can feel precarious, like walking along a cliffs edge. My body feels the pain of the fear and says, “don’t go there, it is dangerous”. It feels extremely dangerous to be vulnerable or to expose my own insecurities and weaknesses.

Yet, experience has taught me it is in this space, where I need courage to move forward, that I will be transformed so that I more closely represent my wild essence; my soul.

This year, I chose “courage” as my word because I have some things to face, goals I have set and words I need to say. Even as I write I feel the weight and emotion within me, like a storm rising. Courage is needed to move forward. It is needed if I want to shape my life to look like what I know it can look like.

What courage is needed may change moment by moment, person by person. Courage looks differently for every single person. Every single person. Courage looks differently. It calls us in the places where we are no aligned to our innermost truth. It calls us to sing, speak, love or do the things we desire to do but hide. It calls us to be seen. It calls us to rise. Courage, knows what we are capable and calls us to live accordingly.

I have leaped and “failed” and risen again. I don’t mind failing because I can learn and do better next time. It’s called growth. Those moments build my resilience and capacity for more and better. What I do mind is regret, because we can’t get those moments back. So, I try to live with as little regret as I can.

“From caring comes courage.” —Lao Tzu

I will finish with this. Our world is changing. Love and courage are going to be required of us all. Where I love, courage rises up to meet me, because I will face anything for those I love; and that includes me.