Before I share my journey of moving beyond the primal wound, I must first explain the primal wound.

 

It is the title of a book written by adoptive parent and psychologist Nancy Verrier in 1993. Over the last 30 years it has been one of the leading books in adoptee communities to read, discuss and affirm the adoptee experience of relinquishment trauma.

 

It is said of her book, “The Primal Wound is a seminal work which revolutionizes the way we think about adoption. It describes and clarifies the effects of separating babies from their birth mothers as a primal loss which affects the relationships of the adopted person throughout life.”

Every adopted child has two mothers. The birthmother was and always will be the child’s first mother, no one can take that away from her. And the pain of the disconnection can sometimes be tempered with the hope of a meaningful reconnection. – Nancy Verrier

Some adoptees, later in life, begin to realize that the struggles and challenges they faced in life go back to their origin, to their earliest experiences in the womb and the relinquishment that followed.

 

This brings up the question why don’t all adoptees recognize this trauma? It is complex, but simply put it is these two things; timing of their initial trauma and the current narrative around adoption. One reason relinquishment trauma, mother separation trauma, is not widely recognized is that the current adoption narrative is that adoption is great for the infant. This makes it difficult for anyone to acknowledge that adoption may not be the best choice for the infant.

 

Timing is also a factor because when traumatized as an infant, the body holds the memory of the trauma, but the mind does not recall the event. Often adoptees struggle throughout life without making a connection to where it all began. Adoptive parents are not made aware of the relinquishment trauma, so it often goes unaddressed which compounds the situation.

 

Another component that makes it difficult to identify the trauma as an adoptee is that as an infant they have not formed identity prior to their trauma, so they become bound with their wound creating what is known as, “Trauma-Bound Identity”. This means they identify with the effects of the wound and grow up thinking, “this is who I am”.

 

I have written a few blog posts describing my personal experience of realizing this trauma, “Are You my Mother” is the blog I wrote immediately after the discovery of my mother-separation trauma. It expresses my early experience of delving into the primal wound of relinquishment. The other posts are titled: Drink from the Divine Fountain, One Flesh – Our Shared Existence with Mother and My Stone Mother. Girl without a Tribe is a fictional allegory based memoir. Please read these for a more in depth understanding of my personal perspective on the adoptee experience.

 

Adoptees are “coming out of the fog”, aka waking up to the fact that they have trauma known as the primal wound. Many are courageously speaking up, advocating for adoption reform and doing their best to resolve their trauma. It is a complex process and currently there is no map for moving beyond the primal wound.

 

When I discovered my trauma I was already in the healing industry as a massage therapist and Reiki master working with clients toward a greater sense of well-being, so when I discovered my own wound I began doing “the work” I already knew to do. Yet, it wasn’t enough, I needed to add new tools to my healing kit; EFT, support groups and inner child work.

 

I soon realized I had all the tools I needed, but no map.

 

Interestingly at this time I met a friend, Michelle Frink, of Morphing Energetics, who was working on mapping the journey from being bound in trauma to thriving. We began discussing my experiences and her research. She and I began mapping the important guidepost moments that I had been through and compared them with her findings.

She had found that there is a major guidepost moment when the individual becomes separate from their Trauma-Bound Identity and moves into what she terms as their Earth Bound Identity. This powerful language was what I needed to begin to differentiate myself from my wound and in June of 2021, I had that guidepost moment of separation from the wound.

Since then I have been establishing my Earth-Bound Identity and navigating my life from a new perspective. In many ways it feels like a very different way of relating to myself and life. It is much like starting over. The way I show up now is different, I am more in my power and personhood. I am taking responsibility for my life at a new level. I have greater awareness and am operating from an entirely new baseline.

 

From September of 2021 until today, I have been working on mapping my way beyond the primal wound into a life that I truly enjoy. Previously this felt like grasping at the wind, but now I can say, I love my life.

 

Does this mean I am completely healed?

 

That depends on your definition of healed. I still have nervous system activations and become dysregulated, which does not feel good, but I am no longer identifying with my wound narrative. I can observe the activation as separate from myself. I have tools and support in place. It is becoming rare that I am activated and when I am, I am not spiraling downward. I am at peace with my trauma and my lived experience of being an adoptee. It will likely be a lifelong practice, but it no longer is holding me back from enjoying life.

 

My endeavor, Finding Home with Jude, is about supporting and guiding adoptees with moving beyond the primal wound to experiencing the profound power of establishing home within themselves.

 

In 2024, Simon Benn of Thriving Adoptees and I will be facilitating 2 Day workshop called, “Migrating Toward Wholeness | Beyond the Primal Wound”, our intention is to support adoptees in creating empowering language, metaphor and story that enables them to make forward progress as they move beyond the primal wound toward thriving. We also hope that as we work with other adoptees we will shift the language and narrative within the adoptee community to one of greater empowerment.

 

My work focuses on adoptees, but this roadmap is the guidepost journey of moving beyond trauma and is helpful specifically for those who experienced early childhood trauma. I am here to support all who want to experience migrating toward wholeness through connection with self.

 

If you have questions about my work or would like to explore how my work may support you, please schedule a FREE discovery call.

 

For more information on Michelle Frink’s work go to:  https://www.facebook.com/MorphingEnergetics

To check out Simon Benn’s “Thriving Adoptee” podcast go to:  https://www.thrivingadoptees.com/