Hey Jude pic by Darla Winn
Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high
There’s a land that I’ve heard of once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream,
Really do come true. — Over the Rainbow, by Yip Harburg
As a very young girl, the Wizard of Oz captured my heart and imagination. My parents bought me the album of the entire film, including dialog. Laying under a round black stone coffee table, with my neighborhood friend, we would listen in its entirety over and over until we both had it memorized. Drawn into a magical world, where everything was different, we were mesmerized by the story of a girl who dreamed of another life. In this foreign realm she travelled downt the yellow brick road, became the heroine who defeated the Wicked Witch of the west and met traveling companions to support her on her journey of empowerment and self discovery.
For most of my life I didn’t really know who I was. I thought I knew, but in hindsight see I was in a foggy haze of societal norms and unknown trauma. As the saying goes, you don’t know what you don’t know and there was a lot I did not know yet. Like Dorothy, life would lead me on a hidden path that would guide me home to myself.
As a child, I had a great imagination and felt that I would be good at whatever I tried. Unlike a prodigy or someone with a single passion, the world was full of interesting options and possibilities for me to explore combined with the idea that it was all achievable. Later in life, when it was time to become who I was “meant” to be, this left me feeling conflicted and unsure of which path to take.
Most young people, have big hopes and dreams, mine were; Broadway singer, actress and teacher. Later came clothing or interior designer. Wife and mother were always part of the plan. The world of my childhood fantasy was quite different from the reality I was able to manifest. I never pursued singing, because I was shy and fearful, therefore I wouldn’t sing in front of anyone. In college, I did pursue fashion design, but quit after two years. IAt that time, didn’t possess the soul stamina or confidence needed to see my dreams through.
My first job was McDonald’s followed by; Hallmark, The Limited, Tots to Teens and Lincoln Financial. Working at Lincoln was my exit from my designing dreams into what my mom called “the real world”. Through personal connections I was hired as an administrative assistant. I quickly adapted to the office environment and worked my way to an executive administrative position overseeing the then new technology of the office computer network and server. Computer technology was an interesting challenge that made me consider IT as a career.
During this time period I experienced a spiritual awakening and found my way to church. Shortly after I became involved in ministry, teaching, leading women’s groups and going on mission trips. I was working at Lincoln, but my heart was caught up in serving God and ministering to people. My spiritual awakening became a fork in the road that changed my trajectory.
In this environment I grew spiritually, began a path of healing, developed more character, as well as learning to serve and lead others. It was here that I met the man I would marry; the man who would become the father of my four sons. For 17 years I was in a spiritual school so to speak; learning to connect with Divine Source and explore my inner spiritual landscape, but I still did not know myself. The focus was all on God, Jesus and what I could do for everyone else. My worth was found in how well I could serve and in how spiritual I could become.
Life had been a series of costume trials and changes, yet I was still searching, feeling incomplete and looking for answers outside of myself. I had found God, the man behind the curtain, but my needs were still unknown, so were left unmet. As I connected to Divine through my practices of prayer and meditation, I experienced peace and oneness. This connection to Source led me to comprehend in a profound way Jesus’ message of oneness and caused me to ask difficult questions. My personal experiences were not lining up with church teaching. Questioning took me down a long road of deconstructing my faith. My yellow brick road began to twist and turn in unexpected directions. Unsure of where it would lead I intuitively followed.
Simultaneous with my faith deconstruction, we changed locale. My husband, 4 sons and I moved to the Charlotte area where again I put on new hats. Out of financial necessity I became a substitute teacher which I enjoyed, so I considered going back to college to get a Bachelor’s degree. Financial constraints and four young children deterred me from pursuing higher education. (read between the lines; excuses made for scarcity mindset and fear were stronger than investing in myself)
In 2009, a friend suggested the book, “Healing Oils of the BIble”. It was the first time I was exposed to an understanding of our energetic nature. The book discussed the frequency of well-being and essential oils. I felt a sense of purposewell up within and decided to become an aromatherapis, but for some unknown reason to this day, I felt strongly that I should become a massage therapist first, so I did. I went to massage school and after started my own home business. In the follwoing years I became a certified aromatherapist, meditation teacher and Reiki Master. I was filled with passion and potential, yet I still wondered, why do I not feel fulfilled or satisfied?
Career is one thing we connect our identity with, first question we often ask each other, “what do you do?”, but we would all admit, our career is not who we are, yet as a society we put a lot of importance and focus on it. Career easily becomes a mask of identity intimately tied in with our sense of who we are.
Like young children playing dress-up, we try things on to see if they “fit”. We sift and sort, find what works and what doesn’t. Sometimes, however, we are not sifting and sorting to find out what is best for us. Whether it is career or personality traits, we often put on masks because of family, societal, or group expectations. Some facades were put on so long ago that we do not even know we do it. We think they are part of us. We might say, “I am shy”, “I am anxious”, “I am not smart enough”, “I am weak”, “I am not funny” or “I am not worthy”. We have plenty of good beliefs about ourselves too, we just tend to focus on the areas that we feel we are not enough. Why? My opinion, is that we do not have a strong sense of self or awareness of our connection to Source. We do not know our true self which as an extension of Source enegry.
Why do we believe these negative beliefs and mindsets? Because, there was moment in time, when we experienced that “truth” and we agreed with it. In that moment a belief was created and hardwiring was coded within our being that caused us perceive through that belief, “I am…”, whether it was true or not. We are literally looking for affirmation to a truth that doesn’t serve us!
Some questions to ask yourself and ponder. How many masks do you wear? How well do you know yourself? Do you have a clear focus about what you want? How good do you feel on a regular basis? Do you know what makes you feel good? Do you speak your mind or do you keep thoughts inside? Do you feel other people see you as you see you? Do you have confidence?
Have you ever wanted to say something? Do something? But then think, no, what would they think of me? We are often afraid of our tribes response. One thing I have learned, this is my life. Only I live it. I am responsible for my fulfillment and only I know what is best for me. It is no one elses job to fulfill me. It is no one elses job to bring me forth to the world, but me.
It took most of my life to discover the answers were within; that I must honor me. This meant learning to tune into me and finding the confidence to be true to myself no matter what others say, think or do. Why, you might wonder, did it take so long? For me, I now know, it had to do with my adoption wound. This complex trauma causes adoptees to not have a clear or strong sense of self because we do not know who we were before the trauma nor can we remember it, so we go through life feeling detached, misunderstood and sometimes a bit lost. After I awakened to this wound and it’s far reaching effects my life made more sense. But trauam, wounds, becoming and being yourself isn’t only an adoptee thing. It is a humanity crisis; so many of us are wearing masks, bending to expectations and sporting chronic fatigue like Nike’s because they are trying to keep up with the Jone’s. In an effort to protect ourselves and find acceptance we hide away portions of our soul.
A month ago I finally shed a name I never liked or felt fit who I am. I empowered myself and chose my name, Jude. It feels right, more me, like well worn leather boots and comfortable wisdom; stylish, strong and a little badass. I will no longer ignore my needs, ignore my voice or shrink to fit what I think others expect or want to see. Those days are over. How did I find myself? Years of pursuing healing, growth, and stumbling in the dark. Through those years, I learned that your best guidance system to wholeness is you. The answer lies within. Guides and gurus, self-help books and videos, support groups, scriptures and spiritual texts can help, but they all point to the “Inner Journey”. The real power lies within.
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. This film is filled with rich symbolism of the inner journey. Going on a journey and finding love, joy, magic, mystery, power, healing, friendships and shadows, overcoming darkness and finding the man behind the curtain, but it finishes with the beautiful realization that she had the power with her all along! You do too!!!
The inner journey can feel like an adventure on an unknow path toward home; to you, your essence. A journey of self discovery and empowerment; finding fragments of yourself that were forgotten, hidden or unknown. Each piece a small home coming to be embraced and celebrated. Over time you will feel more confident and whole. Like the Scarecrow who didn’t have a brain, but had all the solutions, the Tin Man who didn’t have a heart, but always had compassion, like the Cowardly Lion who didn’t have the nerve, but found he was courageous and the orphan Dorothy who felt powerless and longed to find home and found both within. Often what we are looking for is already within in seed form waiting to blossom forth. I had an unknown yellow brick road to travel, yellow is the color of our third chakra which governs our empowerment and will, and I too like Dorothy found, “there is no place like home”. Being me is home.
Our internal GPS’s have many components and nuances. It takes practice and time to hone our skill of tuning and tapping in to our inner navigational tools. I have been working on and will release soon a 6 week workshop called, “Enchanted Compass” in which we will explore, learn and practice using our internal guidance systems.
Ready to start your inner journey today?
Book a FREE Discovery Call
0 Comments