Childrens Book by P.D. Eastman

When I was young, I read and enjoyed this book. A sweet baby bird falls from its nest and goes in search for its mother. When I became a mom, I read this book to my children, inserting voices for each character. The baby bird’s voice was always the same soft and filled with desperation as he searched and searched for his mother.

Recently, through 23 & Me, I was connected with my biological family on my birth mother’s side. As an adoptee, I always thought I was doing well. I had close friends who were also adopted and was aware of the struggle adoptees tend to go through; feelings of abandonment, rejection, not fitting in, depression and anxiety. But I felt I had been spared much of that because I had a wonderful loving family and because I had chosen to do the work.

Yet, connecting with biological family has made me keenly aware that I was blind to one major part of being adopted; grief.  The grief an infant experiences being torn away from it’s mother.; its source of safety, security and more importantly, survival. This is hugely important because it is a grief that you do not recall, but your body remembers. Our energetic and physical bodies are created to store memories; even the ones we do not recall our body remembers, especially trauma.  Psychologist Dr. Paul Sunderland calls the trauma of being taken from your mother at birth or shortly after, Pre-Developmental PTSD.

When a child is born everything within it’s biology is geared toward connecting with it’s mother because it’s survival depends on this vital connection. It knows its mother’s frequency, heartbeat, voice and scent. Through the mom’s love, nursing and cooing calming oxytocin is released in the baby’s body. No one can deny the importance of this early stage of bonding, but we have not considered the long term effects of trauma to the infant when removed from it’s biological mother.  We have reasoned through a fully developed adult brain that we can easily replace one mother for another.

By taking an infant away from it’s mother their life begins with a trauma; a life threatening trauma know as the Primal Wound. The infant does not have any context or understanding at this stage of development to help it cope or integrate in a healthy capacity what it is experiencing. Their entire life is subconsciously perceived through this wound, this traumatic lens.

To compound this an adopted child is told how lucky and blessed they are to have been chosen. So, how can they think otherwise? Chosen to be removed from their birth mother, who for whatever reason, was not able to care for them. Logically, this makes sense. I always understood that my biological mom was too young to handle being a mother.  I did not feel rejected by this. It was easy to comprehend her reasons and believe she wanted a good life for me.  I felt blessed in that regard. Yet, the inner world of an adoptee can feel differently. It is a complex landscape to navigate when you have a trauma as your starting point. There is no “normal” you, before the trauma that you can remember.

An adoptee does not know what it is to feel whole and safe at their core. There is a backdrop of fear and an unknown grief that disguises itself as depression (and actually can cause depression and anxiety).  When a person has a trauma of any sort, they avoid causing, doing, experiencing that trauma again, which is a normal response to trauma.

As an adoptee I worked very hard to never make a mistake and avoided causing any hardship for my adopted family. I tried to be quiet and small (I was completely unaware I was doing this). I was told I was shy. My sisters called me “little miss perfect”. I tried very hard to be good and do everything right. Why? Because deep within I believed that something was wrong with me and I didn’t want to do anything to cause rejection from this family who graciously took me in as their own  (I want to be clear this did not come from my family, this unspoken belief was in my inner world hiding unspoken even to myself, but very real to me).

An adoptee is an individual with a trauma they don’t recall, but their body remembers. Adoptees struggle with rejection, fear, bonding, attachment and feeling like they belong.  They are put into loving families that are not genetic matches, so they feel like an outsider, but  told how blessed it is to be adopted. This doesn’t leave space for them to grieve the loss of their biological family.  I know I loved my adopted family and did not want to hurt their feelings. Looking for your biological family can feel like you are betraying your family. I was cautious about mentioning my desires to find my biological family. I know first hand the conflicting emotions and inner dialog.

At 51, I still had a drive and desire to find my biological mother. Instincts are hard wired and difficult to deny. Through 23 & Me’s DNA site I was able to connect with biological family and learn my story. I connected with my birth mother through mail and learned that my conception was one of rape. I am highly intuitive and had thought this was the case, but to have it confirmed was heart breaking for me, but i felt more sorrow for my biological mother. This part of my story is her story too, and it is her trauma which she has not healed from yet. I know I carry that trauma within on some level, but it is not my trauma, has nothing to do with who I am. I choose that. So, I found my mother, but I also found deeply rooted grief. Not because of how I was conceived, but grief because I had been torn away from my mom at birth. I discovered that grief had been in the backdrop of my entire existence without my being aware.

Tears have flowed and flowed.  On and off for days, a week or more. Grief working it’s way up and out. It is a good thing. It is a painful thing. Gut wrenching at times. The kind of crying where you feel bewildered and your chest tightens. At one point my mind frantically was saying, “I want my mother, I want my mother, I want my mother”.  In that moment, the grief that had been experienced by my infant self consumed me. The pain was palpable. At 51, I am now connecting with my infant self’s experience of pain, fear and loss. It is the grief that my body has carried for 50 years and has wanted to release for 50 years. It seems that I am finally able to connect, acknowledge and release it because I finally found my mother.

Now, is time to peel back another layer; heal what I can, understand myself more. Unlike most people with trauma or PTSD, adoptees do not remember who they were before their trauma event. Their personalities are not developed yet, so there is a struggle with knowing who they are. I have struggled with this myself.  Through this experience of connecting with biological family, I am able to understand my story more and through that myself. I welcome this time of discovery.

I now know, it is not my fault, I am here and I belong to myself and the Universe. I am a girl with two families. I am thankful, but I tell my story to let people know adoption is not easy. Just because it can be beautiful doesn’t mean it isn’t painful. Likewise, because it can be painful doesn’t take away from it’s beauty.

As an adoptee I have had to overcome mindsets and beliefs that revolved around fear and self worth. I have come far and still have further to go. We are always expanding and transforming. I am thankful for this beautiful life and I look forward to releasing myself more fully as I continue to learn how to love myself unconditionally.

I have great love for each of you and know that each person’s path is unique and sometimes difficult.  The things I have gone through have taught me how to how to navigate self healing and how to assist others.

If this resonates with you, please sign up for a FREE Discovery Call today. I have not come this far alone. I have had wonderful people assisting, coaching and cheering me on. The journey is smoother and the load a little lighter when we have someone beside us who has tools, training and life experience that can help shed light to our path.

VIDEO BELOW of a new born being comforted by the smell of it’s mother.