I have always been a bit of a loner, which is fairly normal for an adoptee. I have gained new insights into who I am since stumbling upon what I call the “root wound” aka relinquishment trauma. Adoptees tend to have a difficult time attaching or bonding because of abandonment by the biological mother. Developmental stages that are normally triggered by chemical reactions between a mother and child are never experienced by the adoptee. Instead they experience trauma, loss, grief and immense fear that signals the fight, flight or freeze response, leaving a neurological self protection program in it’s wake.

Which comes first, the chicken or the egg? As an adoptee with pre-developmental PTSD, my neuropathways were programmed to protect myself from abandonment and rejection. Once we have a belief established, the mind looks for ways to prove that belief is true, so my perception growing up was one of separateness, rejection and being an outsider.

Often adoptees stand alone.  That is my experience. I grew up feeling like I never quite fit; anywhere. This feeling of separation, going through life alone, is not only an adoptee experience; many people who are not adoptees, feel isolated. There were moments when I felt as though I was treading water in the sea of life, barely able to keep going, reminding myself to breathe, while hoping I could stay afloat. An unacknowledged sense of fear and desperation were hidden under the surface of my normal day to day existence.

In a society where people are on their devices 24/7, we have the ability to be linked together at the speed of light, yet many feel lonely.  We have online friends and social media that consume our time, but what about friends we actually spend time with? Some of my closest friends, I have met online, but they are not able to be in my home to give me a hug or come to my aid if I have a flat tire. I am blessed with wonderful neighbors who are generous and helpful when I am in need. Even so, I often choose to go it alone. Self sufficiency has been my mode of operation; and I wonder why I am exhausted and overwhelmed.

Did you notice that I said, “I choose to go it alone”?  The reality we experience is mostly a result of our accumulated choices, beliefs and habits. If we want our life to be different than what we are experiencing than we need to make a change. Hint: start small.

In the last four years of being single, I had to learn to reach out for and accept help. Sometimes help comes in the form of encouraging words, hiring a college student to mow my yard, a neighbor letting me borrow their car, a business coach, or a friend inviting me to sit with her during football games so I won’t sit solo. Being single has opened my eyes to my need for community, I now appreciate more deeply all the forms of love that are in my life. I desperately wanted to be independent in every way, but I am learning it truly takes a village. We need one another for a reason. I believe that reason is for us to learn to give and receive love. We do not realize it, but all relationships are an exchange of energy.

At any given moment you are receiving energy from others. What kind of energy are you receiving?   What type of energy are you giving? 

We get Farther Together

Last weekend, I was honored to speak about transformation at a women’s retreat in Los Angeles. It was fun and exciting. The energy was positive, lively and filled with love. The team of speakers joined together easily like old friends, connecting in united purpose and genuine caring, making the work of the retreat feel effortless. The joy and gratitude of the participants was inspiring to me. Seeing how my message impacted women was a powerful gift that altered me.

We took a break for lunch in downtown LA. Walking toward Shaquille’s restaurant we strolled by the Grammy Museum which had bronze Grammy markers in the sidewalks. Like a typical tourist I took a picture of my feet next to a marker. Then thinking of my “sisters” who were with me, I called them over to add their feet to the circle and snapped a second photo. In that moment, I felt the togetherness of community, the combining of our energies to co-create such a beautiful moment.  As we turned the corner, we noticed huge angel wings painted on the wall and stopped to take our pictures. A symbol of transformation, freedom and flight, three years previous I had been in LA, the city of angels, visiting my friend and took a similar picture. How far had I come in three years, I thought to myself.

Later that evening, as I processed the day, I thought about the moments that led me to this Woman Strong retreat. All the people who had encouraged and cheered me on when I felt weak and afraid. The many times someone helped me when I didn’t ask. I thought of my roommate Yvette, who had practically commanded me to go on my first trip to Korea 3 years prior. So many moments led to this place in time. I certainly did not get there alone! My heart was filled with wonderful memories of all who have spoken and shown love to me along the way, so many believed in me, sometimes more than I did myself. No man is an island! No one arrives at their destination alone. We are made to do it together. The journey is much more enjoyable when shared. We experience a synergy and symphony of life when we recognize how all our stories weave together into one great story. It makes us feel alive in the core of our very being and that is a wonderful feeling; that is living.

In hindsight, I realize, I was wrong. My perspective was skewed by trauma programming. We do not tread the waters of life alone. We are an interconnected oneness and we are made to help one another.  Watching out for number one needs to fall by the way side. Greed is an unnecessary evil. There is enough for all to have their needs met and to live an abundant fulfilled life. It is time we awaken, transform and change our perspective. Let us see with 20/20 vision in 2020. We are co-creating our reality with Divine Source and one another, so why not create a beautiful one?  When we come together, we can find solutions, overcome difficulties, rise higher, soar and fly.  We are One Tribe, One Humanity with one purpose; to love and be loved.

City of Angels