Speaking your truth is a popular catch phrase that many people are using, but are we really doing it? And, are we doing it well?

I have seen this statement used by some to dump judgment onto another person instead of taking ownership for their side of the street. Then they say, “Well, I am just speaking my truth.” with an “oh well, too bad for them” attitude. I’ve also seen it used callously and carelessly to spew one’s perspective and walk away. Is this really using your voice properly?

Speaking without caring about the ramifications of our words on others is not speaking our truth in a healthy way. Yet, as I type this I also know that caring too much about how my words will be received has not served me well. So, speaking our truth needs to be done with non-attachment to the outcome; meaning how it is perceived or received is beyond our control. As we learn to do that we will speak powerfully, confidently and kindly. Another person’s response is not our responsibility. Balance is key. Coming from a place of love for yourself and the other is the answer. As with most things, speaking our truth is both simple and complex. For me it has been a practice like yoga or meditation. Something I am learning to do in greater measure over time.

As an adoptee, it has been hard to “find my voice” which makes sense because the beginning of my life story was one where my voice wasn’t considered. I was an infant so, I quite literally didn’t have words, but if you think about it, huge life altering decisions were being made for me without my consent. This beginning has affected my entire life. I was quiet, shy, and rarely spoke. I even refused to do speeches in Oral Communications Class, so confrontation or speaking up for myself has been a hard earned skill. For most of my life, I kept my thoughts inside. I seldom shared my wants or needs with anyone while trying to make sure everyone else’s needs were met. This was a recipe for co-dependency and people pleasing.

I am not the only person in the world who kept their thoughts and feelings to themselves. Adoptees don’t corner the market on this experience, but this is my blog and I am adoptee, so my experience is being shared as a learning tool. Many people have been quieted, shamed or had difficulty standing up for ourselves, so this post is for us quiet ones,I encourage each of you to learn to, “SAY WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY!”

As I have begun to exercise speaking my truth, I have done well and fallen on my face more than once.  The falling on my face usually happens when the situation was more emotionally charged or may possibly lead to the loss of someone I desire to be in my life. When the emotions are high, my words tend to come out sideways. In those cases, I am attached to the outcome. I have expectations. I want to avoid abandonment at all costs (Adoptee Wound 101).  When we have attachment to outcome; we cause our own suffering. It is not always easy to let go, release, allow or accept what is. This too is practice. Life is practice, so get in the game!

What I am discovering along the way, as I practice speaking my truth, is MY TRUTH. Who I am, what really matters to me, how I want to show up in life and for myself. I am learning to set boundaries that honor me. I am realizing that my wants, needs and desires are equally important and it is more than okay to say so. I can choose to compromise if I want, but I do not have to. If I choose to compromise than I must take responsibility for that choice, I cannot complain about it later; that too is owning my truth.

The beautiful part about practicing communicating what I really think or feel, besides the clarity that is emerging, is the self empowerment, freedom and love that is rising up as well. As I say what I want to say, I love myself more, how freaking awesome is that?! I feel proud of myself and more confident. I am growing in my autonomy and connected-ness at the same time. Greater love for myself is creating greater love for others.

One recent experience, happened in a community where we have different responsibilities to complete. In this community I could see what needed to be done. I was working in partnership with another who is reserved, so I stepped in and did more than my fair share. I beat around the bush in my communication about needing their help. I spoke up more than I used to, but stopped short of a one on one, face to face conversation, which would have cleared things up. By the end of the experience I felt a little resentful and exhausted. I had overextended myself because I didn’t speak my truth. This person is now in a different role and has stepped up to the plate because those around him are not carrying the load. Are you feeling resentful in any relationships? Perhaps you are doing too much?

Another recent event had to do with not speaking up for something I wanted. Let me clarify, I did speak up, but not fully. I said, “I am fine with however it turns out. Whatever everyone wants is okay with me”. On one hand this was true, but on the other hand, I did care about it to some degree, so I only spoke a partial truth. What would have been fully my truth is, “I am fine with however it turns out, but what I prefer is xyz.” These little nuances make a big difference in our empowerment and enjoyment in life. This is how we come into greater alignment with ourselves. The more in alignment we are with our true essence the more enjoyment we will experience in life. Are you telling your whole truth?

An area of communication where I am still growing is when I am attached to the outcome. When I want a certain conclusion, I am slower to speak. I process more which is a subtle sign I am wanting to control the situation. If I am honest it is in hopes for the desired result. It is good to consider our words, how they may be perceived, but it is also important to speak the full truth to express our wants and our needs. To remove the emotional component as much as possible, I ask myself; “What am I observing?”, “What feelings are arising in me?”, “What is activating those feelings?”. These feelings are arising because of some unmet need in me, so I also ask, “What do I need?”. Then I ask, “Can I meet that need myself or do I need to communicate what I need?”.

On the heels of these experiences, I had another where I spoke up completely and honestly. It was a little uncomfortable, but freeing. Admitting the truth that was inside me was raw and messy, but felt good. After doing that, I experienced a powerful shift inside me; clarity and confidence arose. I am learning that I can speak my truth and feel safe. My message was heard and understood. I released the outcome, spoke and that felt great. I felt stronger, more fully myself, freer and clearer. These experiences have helped me exercise my voice, clear my Throat Chakra and ground me more deeply in love for myself. Another good question we can ask ourselves, “Am I honoring myself?” “If not, why?”.

We cannot fully love, honor or respect others if we are not first experiencing these truths within ourselves. It begins at home, within yourself. You are your home. Love yourself loudly. Say what you want to say. But remember to, love with your lips; words are powerful. You will be amazed at how you begin to show up for yourself and how brightly you will begin to shine for others.

As always, I am sending my love to you, there is so much love for you here. The title for this post came from one of Love Wave Apparel’s shirt designs.