November 1991, I was at a friend’s house sitting on a couch watching the tv show MASH. This becomes significant 30 years later in July 2021.

Watching M.A.S.H. like any other day, I had no indication that this moment would be different. Next thing I knew I was out in the universe. One with space. One with time. One with all consciousness.

There was a knowing that I wasn’t alone, but I couldn’t see anyone. I just knew “they” were there. I could feel them. Communication from them did not come through words, it came through inner knowing. 

The planet earth was below me in all her beauty and splendor. Spinning in the cosmic womb of space she calls home.

As I observed her spinning before me,  I noticed that there was a pinpoint of light below on the planet. Like a white illuminated push pin on a map. 

The light would come toward me and open like a huge movie screen. I understood that what I was seeing was happening at that place in that moment on earth.  Once I had taken in what they wanted me to see and understood its message, the scene was done, it would close back down into a pinpoint of light. The earth continued to move.  Another pinpoint of light would appear and another scene would open.

I watched hundreds of these scenes. Like a playlist on shuffle, I saw what I would judge as, “good, bad, normal and horrific lived experiences”.  I saw families playing. I saw others in poverty. I saw people in abusive situations where they felt powerless. I witnessed people I knew and famous people, but mostly people who were strangers to me. Interestingly, even the “strangers” felt familiar. The scenes came faster and faster. I was able to take in information at an incredible rate. Eventually, I began seeing the connections between these events. Some would be across the planet from each other with people that obviously had never met, but I knew the connection of these events. 

It became very clear that everything we do matters. Every word, deed, thought and choice. Every event ripples out across the web of life for all to feel.

The lights continued to pick up speed and began filling space until everything was light. I was consumed in the light. I was not alone. I felt peace, calm, serenity, love, community, one with everything. Harmony. I thought this must be heaven. It was a state of consciousness, connectedness, knowing and essence of being. Love. I am Love. All are Love. I am light. We are light.

I don’t believe that consciousness is generated by the brain. I believe that the brain is more of a receiver of consciousness.

Graham Hancock

Because of growing up in a Christian influenced culture, I thought this was heaven.  Now, I know they were showing me states of being, potentiality and what is our true nature.

I sat in the light taking it all in, breathing it in for a long while. Silence, stillness, limitless, infinite, potential. All was there in that state of being outside of time and space.  Then slowly it began to separate. Light was falling away in patches as darkness came in just like the pinpoints of light.  Pinpoints of dark until darkness was all there was.

It felt cold, heavy and thick. I put my hand up in front of my face and instinctively knew that my eyesight would never adjust enough for me to see my own hand; ever!  Here I also sensed others, but it felt different, separation, pain, grief, despair, shame, lack and fear. I have always described it as beyond hatred, because I could sense that each one was too consumed by their own suffering. This is what separated them because they were so focused on their own pain that they could not be bothered by anyone else. It was an indifference beyond the consciousness that hatred requires.

As I sat in the cold darkness, I thought, this must be hell and I felt that I had been living in that state of being. I felt they were showing me two potentials. One I had been living and one that felt beyond my grasp, but after this experience felt possible for me.

I felt them, sensed them, waiting for me to understand their message.

Then I asked them, “what about Jesus?” 

This was asked without words, but through thought. At that time I had a friend who had been sharing Jesus with me and had bought me a bible that I had not read, so Jesus was at in my conscious awareness. I was questioning and looking for answers.

They said, “Jesus is a good man, you can follow him,” was their silent reply as they too did not speak to me with words.

Then I was back. Sitting on the couch tears streaming down my face.

My friend said, “what is wrong?!  They were obviously concerned and confused.

I think I was “gone” for only a split second, but it felt like a lifetime in many ways, so much information was shared with me that continued to unfold over my lifetime like a roadmap confirming choices and knowings.

I responded by saying a stunned, “God is real.”

We didn’t talk about it. They knew something happened, but were afraid to ask.

During the night I dreamt of events in my life that I wish had not happened. Things I had done and forgotten. Things I felt grieved about and asked forgiveness for instinctively. I became more aware of the dynamics of the universe and life. I had always been a sensitive child, told I was wise and an old soul. I had often had what I would call spiritual experiences, but this was a whole different level that changed my state of consciousness and understanding. It propelled me on a completely different path.

When I woke up, I felt lighter. Much lighter. Like I was being given a new beginning. I drove to work and everything felt different. The colors of the trees, plants and sky seemed more vivid. I could sense and feel things. Life had felt dull without me knowing it. I felt much like Dorothy stepping into the land of Oz after the tornado. Everything felt magical and alive. I felt magical and alive. Life felt more real, vivid and tangible. I felt a deep abiding Love within me. I felt positive endless possibilities and potential. 

After this event, I became a Christian in 1992 and studied the Bible deeply for 15 years. In the church I was considered a contemplative mystic and teacher. Love became the guiding force of my life and in the beginning I saw Love in church teaching, but the more I studied and had spiritual experiences, the less I felt organized religion had the answers. I found control and ego to be the guiding force of organized religion. Eventually, Jesus led me out of Christianity.

At the time of my deconstruction, I met a wonderful woman who is a Reiki Master Shaman. She had been raised in Christianity, so one day I asked her why Jesus was still coming to me even though I had left the church and no longer believe in Heaven and Hell, etc. She said, “He is an Ascended Master and one of your spirit guides.

This made so much sense as he had been guiding me in and out of church. I did not lose my spirituality or faith, but it evolved and continues to expand. I left Christianity in 2007.

In 2010, my spiritual pursuits led me to becoming a massage therapist and Reiki Master/Teacher. Through studying the body and energy I discovered the connection of science and spirituality; the truth of all things.

We must see that consciousness is neither an isolated soul nor the mere function of a single nervous system but of that totality of interrelated stars and galaxies which makes a nervous system possible.

Alan Watts

Interestingly, for all those years, I did not know I had an NDE. I called it an “Open Vision”.  Then in 2019, I read Dr. Debra Diamond’s book “Life After Near Death”.  The research she presented in her book sounded a lot like my experience and how I felt afterward. It made me wonder if I had actually had an NDE. I decided to have a meeting with her which meant scheduling a reading as she is a medium. Ironically, our meeting was scheduled for March 13th, 2020,  which was a months after my mother’s passing.

Our meeting was on Zoom, my only intention was to discuss what happened in 1991.

We talked briefly about my inquiry. She connected with the other side and asked about the event. They said that I was going off course and that this was an intervention to help me to course correct. This fact was true. I was downward spiraling at the time of my NDE. I had quit college and was having suicidal ideation.

She also said, “That when I speak at events I will say, ‘You don’t need to nearly die to have an NDE, you could be sitting on your couch watching TV.’  Although, I have never met anyone who had that experience until now.”  We both laughed at that coincidence.

Honestly, I was blown away, but it all made so much sense. I also asked about an earlier experience in my life that I could never explain and got much needed answers. Confirmation was coming through clearly around choices that I had been making that my path was one of spiritual teacher and energetic architect.

Then my mom came through without being called upon with a message of comfort for me and my sisters. It was very evident that it was my mom because of the word choices, intonation and mention of her dog.

After that, I found out about the Greyson NDE Scale and my score was 18. These two things gave me a solid confidence that what happened to me in 1991, was definitely an NDE. This confirmation was very affirming for me after years of not knowing what I had experienced.

Previously, I just knew it was sacred and that it was a driving force in my life.  I can easily go back to the moments of my NDE; they feel almost tangible. The information is readily available for me at any moment. If I think of it, it feels like I am there again. The information continues to unfold and affirm knowledge coming through spiritual or energetic experiences.

Now, in hindsight I know that during that NDE I received an activation or download. An encoded energetic seed was given to me that would reach an choice point in 2021 and completion in 2024. A 33 year cycle of growth.

Part of this cycle included my unearthing the traumatic event of being relinquished by my biological mother as an infant, which I have blogged about previously, see “Are You My Mother”. This realization was the one of the final steps toward resolving my trauma narrative. From 2019 – 2021, I was learning about trauma and coming to terms with my own grief and pain around adoption and consciously giving it voice and releasing it.

Korea, came into my conscious reality in 2010. I became obsessed with it. I loved everything about it; people, language, culture, history, fashion and food. I was inexplicably drawn to it. The first time I heard the language it felt like a part of me recognized it and longed for it. Korea felt like home to my soul. I decided that I wanted to live there and I did travel there 6 times. My hope was to live there. In 2021, I went there for three months with hopes of making a way to live there permanently. I was always unconsciously looking for home and Korea became that to me. As an adoptee this was so potent.

While there in 2021, my hopes and dreams of Korea being my home came to an end. I did not have the necessary credentials required by S. Korea to become a citizen and my long term relationship ended 2 days into this trip. Devastation was felt in every particle of my being. 

Like a cosmic replay of my origin trauma; similar events unfolded so that I could witness and feel them like my infant did, but this time transmute and integrate them so I could end this continuous abandonment, victim, wounded narrative that I had been living over and over.

I was 2 days old when I was handed over to the strangers who would become my family. It was 2 days into living in Korea, which I deeply felt connected to and believed it was my true home, I was “abandoned” and left alone. Like an infant in a world without language or being able to speak the language. I was in a beloved strange land where I could not understand or speak the language. Much like an infant, I felt dependent. I was handed over to a stranger, a woman who would become much like a surrogate care taker, friend and mom during my stay there.

That same day, Bo Young, who owned a small clothing store near my apartment and befriended me throughout my time there. This stranger took me in and showed me love and kindness. We had many magical moments together that were filled with love, laughter and many synchronicities.

Interestingly her mother was a foster mom, so she was tender toward adoptees. One day as we were talking over a cup of coffee she openly cried, unusual for Koreans, saying how thankful she was that I was born. In that moment she became a stand in for the role of my adoptive mother. 

I had many realizations during this trip. One, that the only person who has abandoned me, was me. Two, that I was always looking for unconditional love outside of myself and it was always there inside of me.  Three, that I was powerful, I had moments there discovering my own magic and power to create a life I enjoyed and felt happy with. I didn’t need another person or place for this because that which I was seeking, HOME, was inside of me all along. 

This is an oversimplification of what I went through as I was devastated and everything I felt as an infant came up for me to feel and understand. I felt lost, horrified, terror, lonely, scared and desperate. I felt death knocking and I wanted to die. I also wanted to live. I would be fine one moment and feel destroyed the next. I felt like I was going crazy more than once.

There were a few times when I felt the fabric of reality was thin. I could feel shifts in the energy going from particle to wave. Reality felt like it was shifting and like it might come apart. I had to  consciously make an effort to ground and anchor myself to life, love and truth. I made a conscious choice on this trip to live. I feel that choice is why I am here today.

While I was wrestling through all these things having strange highs and lows. Insights about this 33 year cycle came through. The memory that I was watching M.A.S.H. at the time of my NDE came bubbling up into my memory. I hadn’t thought much about what I was watching until then. My focus had always been on the experience itself. M.A.S.H.  takes place in Korea during the Korean war. Interestingly, when I was 13, I was given two dolls by my great Aunt Connie that came from the American Embassy during the Korean War. On June 28, 1950, Seoul was under attack. They needed to evacuate the Embassy. The dolls were brought to the US by an ambassador friend of my aunt and given to her. There were so many little connections that came to mind. I could see this was all meant to happen.

As I had witnessed in my NDE, Life is an unfolding, everything is connected, nothing is wasted, nothing is a mistake. Often our perceptions are skewed by wounding, but the truth of reality is that we are supported by Life and we are Love and are loved. Life is weaving together like a masterful symphony with every note in its correct place working together to form the most beautiful evolving expanding music.

As, I faced my original wounding as an adult, through this “cosmic replay” of the event, I could observe that I had my own back. It gave me the opportunity to see that I was strong and  resilient; that I was moving beyond my trauma narrative and survival level of existing.  I became separate from my trauma bound identity on this trip, like being born again, I began to feel whole and could see clearly the next steps I needed to take to map my way Home.

I am leaving out so many details, but I hope that these bits and pieces weave enough of the story to make sense.

When I got home, Finding Home with Jude began to take shape. For the 30 years leading to this time period, I knew that our answers are within and that learning to navigate our inner realms was key. I also knew that we need to remember our true origins, who we really are, beings of love and light and to remember where we are going. We are creating a new earth through building capacity to hold higher states of being.

Over the next 3 years, I continued to walk the final steps toward Home and wholeness until in spring of 2024, when the final close of this all came together quite magically, which is a future blog post. 

Now, I can say what I never thought I would say in this lifetime, “I am whole. I love my life. I am at peace.”

Interestingly, I told very few about my NDE all these years. Now, I am feeling ready. My thought is that the information given me during my NDE has come to fruition and now is my time to share my story and all I have learned along the way.

My NDE was a gift that helped me see reality differently than I did before having it. It has revealed my purpose as an energetic architect, healer and teacher. It has been a guide and left me aware of the connection that I always had to all of Life. A connection that we all have and is available to be in our conscious awareness.

It drives me to share the truth of Love as a bridge to higher states of being and the power we have as co-creators of reality.

If you have any questions about my NDE, consciousness or energetic dynamics, please reach out to me at:

[email protected]