Introduction: In the quiet moments of a morning ritual, I find myself pouring my thoughts onto the pages of my journal. Today, the question “what makes a good day?” sparks a series of reflections that lead me down a path of contemplating my birth mother and the expectations I’ve encountered as an adoptee. Little did I know, this introspection would bring me face to face with a new and recent opportunity to meet my biological mother. I had a decision to make and wanted to make sure I made the one that was right for me as my mother is aging and this may be my last chance for meeting in person.

The decision to pursue this meeting became a profound exploration of self, as I navigated the complexities of my emotions and past traumas. In the end, I chose to prioritize my own well-being, which led to ultimately finding closure and peace in a unique and transformative experience.

The Complexity of Choice: In 2019, I made a deliberate choice not to meet my biological mother. At the time, it was a clear and resolute decision. However, as the possibility of a meeting arises in 2024, I am confronted with a mix of emotions. Although a part of me longs for that connection with my biological mother, there is also the fear of potential rejection and the reactivation of old traumas. In the midst of this internal struggle, I turn to writing, hoping that clarity will emerge.

The Yearning for Connection: Throughout my life, I have secretly fantasized about meeting my biological mother. The imagined moments of an instant and powerful connection filled my mind. I’ve often wondered what it felt like to have that biological bond, to experience the sense of belonging that comes from sharing genetics. 

However, as I reflect on my own experience as a mother to my four sons, I realized that reality is often different from fantasy. The connection I feel with my children is not the same as the one I imagined with my biological mother. The connection I have with my adoptive family is the same as what I feel with my children. This realization added another layer of complexity to my decision. 

Making the Right Choice: After weeks of internal deliberation, I arrive at a decision. I choose to stand by my 2019 choice of not meeting my biological mother. This decision is not fueled by anger or a desire to hurt her, but rather by a deep love for myself and a recognition of what is best for my own healing journey. Reunions, as I’ve come to understand, can be messy and often complicate the healing process. I chose to honor my own growth and prioritize my well-being over the societal push for reunion.

A Journey of Healing and Closure: With my decision made, I embarked on a unique and transformative experience. In a three-day energetic container, I created a space to meet my two moms, my biological mother and my adoptive mother;  in the past, present, and future. Through ceremony and energetic elements, I invite them into this sacred space. Together, we delve into the depths of our shared history and the emotions that have shaped our lives.

The Healing Power of Love: As I stand between my two moms, I am overwhelmed by a profound sense of love and acceptance. We hold hands, swaying together in a shared embrace of unconditional love. In this moment, I realize the sacrifices and sorrows that both women have experienced in their roles. I come to understand that their choices were not born out of abandonment but rather out of love and the limitations of their circumstances. I raise my infant self between Kathy and my mom. Kathy leans in and kisses my forehead and my mom, Gayle, kisses my feet. As I witness and feel their abundant love, I am overwhelmed and weep.

Forgiveness and Gratitude: In this sacred space, I find the strength to forgive myself for betraying both my moms through misguided perceptions and romanticized ideals. I acknowledge the love and care that have always been present in my life, even in the moment of relinquishment. With tears streaming down my face, I express my gratitude to my biological mother for being the vessel through which I came into this world, and to my adoptive mother for always loving and caring for me. In this act of gratitude, I release any lingering guilt and energetically clear any barriers between us. Then I step into my sovereignty of choice and tell Kathy that I choose Gayle to be mom. The three of us hold each other with love and healing energy for a long time.

Wholeness and Empowerment: As the meeting comes to a close, I honor our losses and sacrifices. We declare ourselves complete, standing as sovereign and equal beings. The weight of my trauma-bound identity, which has shaped so much of my life, is acknowledged and released. In its place, I find empowerment and a newfound sense of wholeness. With a final expression of gratitude, I release the container and step forward into a future filled with love, gratitude, and peace.

Conclusion: Meeting with my two moms in the ethers was a profound journey of healing and self-discovery. It allowed me to confront my deepest emotions, confront my past traumas, and make a choice that prioritized my own well-being. In this process, I found closure, forgiveness, and a sense of empowerment. The love that flowed between us transcended biology and created a bond that will forever shape my understanding of family. Through this experience, I have come to embrace the power of choice, self-love, and the healing that can be found in acknowledging our shared humanity.

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